You Can, You Just Won’t

Language matters. 

More specifically,

The language we use day to day matters.

The best writer’s pour over language. 

Choosing very carefully

Each word in every sentence. 

Because it reveals something about 

The character they are writing.

“Character is revealed in choice of words.”

— David Mamet

As actors,

We spend a HUGE amount of time

Deconstructing and considering

The language the characters we play use

Because it tells us who they are.

How they think.

So why don’t we spend any time considering our own?

Because the same goes for life.

The language we use,

In our every day

Consciously or unconsciously 

Has an huge impact on how we perceive 

The world around us,

and more importantly—

How we perceives ourselves. 

Don’t take it from me…

“Words can literally shape neural pathways in the brain.”

— Andrew Newberg, neuroscientist

“Language is the primary medium through which the self is constructed.”

— Dan McAdams, personality psychologist

“The way people talk about themselves predicts their future behaviour.”

— James Pennebaker, social psychologist

“Language is a lens through which we experience reality.”

— Lera Boroditsky, cognitive scientist

Why the hell am I quoting these guys…?

Well… what I’ve noticed

In myself and in others

Is a tendency to not take responsibility

For what we want

And it’s reflected in the way we speak.

For example,

Take a simple phrase:

“I can’t go to the movies tonight"

Pretty harmless, right?

Well the fact is—

You can go to the movies,

If you want to…

“No I really can’t.

I have my mum’s birthday tonight.

So I definitely can’t go”. 

Well…yes.

In fact…

you actually still can. 

You just won’t be at your mother’s birthday. 

And she’ll probably be disappointed.

But at least you’ll have seen Deadpool vs. Wolverine. 

Eaten some popcorn and one an overpriced choc-top.

So the difference here is: 

Choice.

You’re simply choosing 

Not to go. 

You can go to the movies tonight, 

If you’re willing to upset your mother,

But you’re choosing not to, 

And therefore… 

You won’t. 

This difference appears minute, 

But in fact, it’s quite stark.

One is coming for a position of 

Victimhood.

“I can’t go”

Implies that you have no choice in the matter.

It implies that you are powerless

To make the decision for yourself.

“I won’t go”

Or

“I choose not to”

Because I want to be there for my mum on her special night

Is coming from a position of

Empowerment.

Where you’ve taken responsibility for your decision.

So…. what’s the problem here?

It’s not the use of the word “can’t”.

It’s the habitual use of language

That doesn’t serve you

And the repetition of this behaviour

That reinforces the idea

That you aren’t in control.

That your choices

Are somehow not your own.

That is detrimental.

And in an industry where we control so little,

I think it’s really advantageous

To take responsibility for all the aspects

That we can actually influence.

And one of the best ways to start that process

Is by shifting your language.

This, in turn, alters the lens

Through which you see yourself,

And places you in the drivers seat.

Remember:

“The language we use can literally shape our neural pathways”

In layman’s terms…

The language we use determines how we think.

About the world and ourselves.

Either a victim of our circumstance.

Or… in the driver’s seat.

The one making the decisions.

***

This all might seem really obvious to you…

But when this was first pointed out to me,

I felt like I’d been slapped on the face.

I was blown away by how often I would default to 

“I can’t”

Purely out of habit. 

Operating out of the place of victimhood.

After I became aware of this habit,

I did my best to make the conscious shift to making

“I won’t”

My new norm.

Or at the very least,

To stop and really consider

What I was saying…

What I really wanted moment to moment

In order to make an informed decision.

Here’s what I discovered: 

People argue a lot with “I can’t”. 

Because “I can’t” is a state of helplessness.

Helpless people are very easily swayed. 

They call it having a “rubber arm”.

Easily twisted.

And all too often have I been easily twisted, 

Falling victim to what I think I should do,

Or what someone else wants to do

Because I never slowed down to consider

What I actually valued…

What I wanted to do. 

Or how I actually want to behave.

Victims are at the mercy of the world around them. 

It’s a frustrating  and sometimes scary place to exist. 

On the other hand.

It is far more difficult

For someone to argue with “I won’t”. 

Because it’s an empowered choice. 

“I won’t do that”.

It’s a clear decision you have made 

To stand by your values. 

And if you ask me,

That’s pretty fucking cool. 

***

Let me show you how this works

In practice.

This is a pretty basic example,

But you get the point…

About 18 months ago

I was invited to a friend’s wedding out in the country.

I hadn’t seem them in a little while,

And getting invited to something so important to them,

Their big day to celebrate their love,

I really felt like I should go.

And damn… 

It sounded like so much fun!

All my old mates from drama school

Out partying and staying over night together

In the middle of nowhere…

It would be absolutely wild.

But…

The wedding was out of Sydney.

It’d be at least a two or three day trip all up.

And my partner was due to birth the month prior. 

Our second child.

And we knew because of the

First caesarian section —

In fact a “T-section”

(For those of you who know what that is…)

We knew she was going into full on

Abdominal surgery and would be

Totally incapacitated for the first week

And in recovery for six weeks after. 

So when I received the invite to the wedding,

I instantly had an icky feeling. 

To go to the wedding

Would mean leaving my incapacitated partner

Alone, at home, with a newborn and our 3 year old.

Heaps of fun for me!

But a really shit time for her…

Hence the icky feeling.

 I put off replying to the invite

For three days.

And I felt scared that I would be

Disliked if I told the truth.

I wanted so adly to write:

“Sorry man I can’t go. 

I’m going away during that time

And just can’t make it back, sorry”. 

But the fact is, 

I could go. 

If I was willing to 

Ignore what my body was telling me.

The decision wasn’t easy. 

Because I love my friends.

I love celebrating

And making memories with them. 

But… at that time,

I valued more the time with my family.

I value more

My partner’s health and wellbeing.

I value being present for her and our two children,

In those fragile first few months of having a newborn,

While we learn to be a family of four. 

This is the email I wrote:

Dear Mr and Mrs XZY

While I was so stoked to hear you're tying the knot, it's with a heavy heart I won't be

Attending the wedding. While it still feels a little way off, Jess and I are expecting our

Second child in late December.  We'll be learning to navigate life with two kids at that time

And I want to here to support Jess,

Which can be really difficult with a newborn in those early months. 

I'll be thinking of you both and sending you all the love for your special day.

Can't wait to see some pics and hear about the weird and wild stories. 

Love Damo

*** 

What’s the lesson here?

Using the phrase “I won’t” can help 

Articulate what you ‘will’ instead. 

Taking the time to articulate

What you value most highly

Helps to define what you actually want—

Using language that serves you.

(Side note —

The reverse of this

Is similar with ‘I don’t’…

Can be a great tool for

Articulating what you do want.

I don’t want this…

So what’s the opposite?

You get the picture).

When you

Afford yourself the permission to 

Feel what what is actually

Important to you,

You can define

What you actually want to do. 

If you don’t want to do something,

Rather than say 

“I can’t do… ABC”. 

Try using:

“It’s really important that I … ABC”.

For example:

“I won’t make to the party — it’s

Really important that I feel ready

For my audition tomorrow”.

***

My point is not that the word

“Can’t”  is bad.

Or that it shouldn’t

Exist in our vocabulary. 

It’s simple to notice

The habitual language you use

Question whether it’s helpful or limiting

And to understand the nuanced 

Difference it can make in our lives,

When we choose language that serves us.

And to remember that

You always have a choice.

Have fun out there.

Dx