Naked Scenes

I was 22.

It was my first professional T.V. gig

And I was so excited to be working on a set.

It was childhood dream sort of stuff.

Great cast, great character, fun story.

And I was having the time of my life

Working with some pretty  awesome actors and directors.

We’d been shooting most of the day and finally,

Then we came to the scene where I was unconscious.

I had been injured in an accident and the paramedics

Where trying to resuscitate me.

Serious shit.

As they set up for the shot,

I lay on a gurney, wit my shirt open,

Having a defibrillator attached to my chest for the scene.

And it must be said —

I’m a hairy guy,

Greek-Cypriot, and all that.

And before we rolled

Suddenly I was surrounded by the actors

Who were playing paramedics

And an extra took one look at my chest and said

“Oh my god, look it’s Borat”!

And everyone around me, looked at me… 

and laughed.

Looking back… that is, I feel…

Objectively,

A very funny stoy.

I mean… Borat.

C’mon.

But I swear to god.

Even now,

I still feel a little pain in my stomach

Because at the time,

Nothing had ever made me feel so small.

A bunch of people standing around

Laughing at my body.

I felt straight ashamed.

And that moment

Gave me the hard evidence I needed to

Confirm my fear…

I am ugly.

***

One of the strangest parts of our profession

Is that every now and then,

There are going to be moments in stories

That call for intimacy

With a person a person you’ve just met,

Or even at times…nudity.

Something I’ve noticed in myself

Is that when I’m reading a script,

No matter how many times

I come across phrases like

He’s naked now.

They kiss passionately…

She rides him.

Etc.

(These are all true script directions

In the big print I’ve read

And been asked to perform)

No matter how many times,

When I’m reading a script,

Those kind of words or phrases pop up…

I can feel my stomach drop and think:

Here we go again.

Here comes… that feeling.

It’s a strange one.

Because immediately

All of my insecurities as person are peaked.

The ones that I try so hard to hide from the world.

And what’s strange about it is,

By now, fifteen years after that story,

And having done a lot of scenes that require nudity or intimacy,

You’d think it would get easier.

And yet, to tell you the truth…

It’s still not always easy.

In fact most of the time,

It’s bloody hard.

Because the context changes.

The people change.

The story changes.

I realise that context really matters.

***

A couple of examples.

I’ve been starkers on stage a number of times.

A production of All’s Well That Ends Well

And another called Inner Voices.

These two shows come to mind.

Both shows,

I was completely naked

For long periods of time.

One, in a tiny intimate theatre space.

And the other in a monster 800 seat theatre.

During Inner Voices

I was naked in the very first scene of the show…

Being washed by my captors

In a kind of ritualistic bathing scene

That established how little power

This man had over his own life.

Let me tell you—

Have your genitals scrubbed in front of

A live audience, by a friend

While your family watches on

Is as weird as it sounds.

For me AND them,

So my sister tells me.

During All’s Well,

There were dicks out everywhere.

One scene where myself about ten other actors

Played a squad of soldiers

All naked in the “showers” together after training.

We were then lined up by the King who,

As a reward for healing him,

Allowed the peasant girl, Helena,

To decide which of us she would marry,

Based off the size of our personality.

And the entire scene took place with these ten actors

All naked together for about ten minutes…

And of course…

I felt nervous.

I was fully exposed.

I’m not an exhibitionist…

I don’t have any great desire to be

Naked in front of 800 people every night.

But something in the context of these two stories

Called for the nudity.

And then focussing on the story

Allowed us all to rise above the fear

And focus on what we all trying to achieve.

And it was stunning…

In both instances.

Moments in theatre that I’m incredibly proud to be a part of.

But it’s the context…

We were doing plays —

The stories really called for nudity.

The casts were so well rehearsed.

We had many conversations around our fears during rehearsal

And the reasons why the nudity was integral

And how it elevated the story.

Those discussions allowed us

To air our fears and move through them.

In other words…

We felt safe.

***

But what if the context is changed?

What about when you read a script

Where you’re going to be naked

And simulating sex with someone you’ve never met?

And that someone is supposed

To have been your partner for years —

Someone you feel absolute comfort with?

What about when I feel like

I should be

Attractive… and confident?

What then?

This happens in television and film… a lot.

In fact, right now…

I’m  preparing for a shoot

With this very particular circumstance.

And when I first read the words:

“He’s nude”

In the script…

Even after all these years,

Even after having done many intimate scenes scenes

That feeling still hits me.

Right in the chest.

And all of the “shoulds”

Come flooding right back in.

“I should be attractive”,

“I should be confident”,

“I should feel as ease in my own skin”.

And rather than feeling excited

About jumping into the work,

I catch myself feeling worried.

Worried about what the actor

I’m working will think of me.

Scared that they’ll think I’m ugly.

Worried that it’ll stop them being

Able to do their job.

And stop me being able to do my job!

I’m scared I’m going to feel caught out.

Because I’m not that confident person they all think I am.

And feeling “caught out”…

Because I should be good at this.

I should be this fearless actor

Who doesn’t give a fuck

About what others think.

So comfortable in my skin

Because I’ve done this a million times.

And then… I just feel sad.

Because I’m no longer excited about the shoot.

I’m just caught in rumination.

***

So… what to do?

Where to start?

Two Questions:

What do I need to do

In order to give the most of myself

To this process?

What do I need to do

In order to feel able

To give the performance

I really want to give?

Ten years ago…

I wouldn’t know how to answer.

Ten years ago I wouldn’t

Have even questioned the feeling.

I would have sucked it up and tried

To carry on alone and stoic.

But these days…

I immediately put up my hand.

HELP.

I immediately text my coach

And set up a meeting.

We didn’t solve the problem in a session.

That wasn’t the point.

I just wanted a soundboard

To clarify what was actually going on.

And here it is…

The beliefs;

In order to do act in this scene,

I need to feel confident and attractive.

And…

In order to be employed in this industry

I need to be confident and attractive.

And the long list of the “shoulds” that come with that.

And my god.

It felt murky as shit.

Because I knew immediately

That if I carry those beliefs into my work…

Into my life and career,

Then I’ll forever be walking around

With a false sense of bravado.

A false sense of comfort and ease.

A false version of myself.

But…

Awareness = choice.

Getting clear about beliefs

Or the narratives I’ve been

Telling myself — defining them,

Putting them it into words that I can study

Allows me to hold them up to the light.

To see their value or how they’re holding me back…

And in the end,

Allows me to make a new choice.

***

Later that week,

I carried on this conversation with a friend.

Who immediately related with a story of her own.

She was a young working actor,

On a major television show

Where she had a sex scene with her

Prominent young male co-star,

Who was leading the shoot.

As they prepared for the scene,

Her co-star pulled her aside and said:

“I know I'm  supposed to be good at this…

But I’m terrified”.

AHHHH!

As soon as I heard this,

It made me feel so much better!

Not the fact that he was scared.

The fact that he was HONEST about being scared.

Because, in a strange way,

It feels like it gave ME permission to be honest.

Even though their story has nothing to do with me.

After hearing this,

I immediately knew

The answer to my questions:

What do I need to do,

In order to give the most of myself

To this process?

What do I need to do,

In order to give the performance

That I really want to give.

I realised in that moment

That this situation can go one of two ways…

One.

I could put on a brave face.

Be stoic,

Go to set,

Chest puffed out,

And PRETEND to be confident.

Or…

Two

I surrender.

And I acknowledge…

Hey… I’m actually nervous.

I’m feel quite vulnerable.

I know I’ve done this a million times

But I’m actually a little scared.

Then… have an honest conversation

With the person I’m working with.

***

What’s the lesson?

Go first.

I know that if I go first…

If I acknowledge how I’m feeling…

If I can be honest and generous

With myself and others,

I allow space for others

To do the same.

And it SUCKS—

Because it’s hard!

Because it feels like jumping off a cliff

Without a parachute.

But…

In order to give the most of myself

To this role and to this story,

And to this industry,

I know sometimes that means

Jumping off the cliff first,

Without a parachute.

***

To finish up…

Regarding my objectively funny story;

Don’t worry. I'm okay!

I actually met my partner on that show.

We’ve got two kids

And we’re doing just fine.

I don’t hate my body.

I don’t think I’m ugly…

What I hate is the feeling of fear

That I might be judged.

I hate the feeling of fear

That I might be rejected.

That who I am, is not enough.

And that… I can work with.

Everyone

At some point…

Is going to feel vulnerable.

Everyone

At some point…

Is going to feel afraid.

Fear is great information.

There’s something really important at stake.

Something that really matters going on.

And rather than

Burying it,

Running from it.

Sometimes it’s better to lean in.

Put up your hand

And ask for help.

Because I’ve learned that

Being attractive and confident to me

Doing naked scenes, or doing any scenes…

Is not somebody who is unafraid.

It’s not somebody who is loud

And can walk around,

Chest puffed out,

Owning the room

And being everyone’s best mate

All the time.

Confidence to me…

Is feeling vulnerable,

Is feeling afraid,

Yet giving yourself permission

To behave in the way you want to… anyway.

In line with your highest values.

Whether that be

Honestly,

Generosity,

Kindness,

Whatever.

And allowing space for others to do the same.

Because there’s a very good chance,

That just like me,

They are feeling the same way.

And what a wonderful reminder.

Because interestingly,

In my experience,

When I do I go first…

When I allow space…

People always come to the table

With an open heart.

Have fun out there.

Dx