What The Best Actors Have In Common

I've been working with an actor

Over the past few months.

And in our final session

He said something quite extraordinary

That I really want to share.

As we were watching one of his tapes back,

I noticed him going inward.

Thinking deeply.

So I asked him to journal what was on his mind.

Exactly what was on his mind.

Word for word,

The thoughts going through his head.

He took a few minutes.

And half way through… he paused for a while

And then continued writing until completion.

When he’d finished

He immediately started reading back

What he wrote off his own bat.

And it began, understandably,

As a criticism of his own work.

The internal dialogue was very strong

Full of self-conscious judgment.

Then all of a sudden,

He paused and looked up.

He said to me:

“But then I realised…

I am just a human being

Trying to find connection”.

This very nearly brought me to tears.

This was everything he’s been working on

For eight weeks in one sentence.

And immediately after,

We went straight back to work

Hunting to build that connection.

This whole exercise got me thinking…

What’s one thing

That the best performers in the world

Have in common?

They lack the

“Embarrassment Reflex”.

The impulse that causes

Most people to cringe at their work,

Second-guess themselves,

And feel shame.

That was kind of a trick question…

Because it’s not something they have,

It’s something that they lack

Which they share.

But my point is

The best performers across the board

Have a level of self permission

That allows them to operate

On a plain that is beyond self-judgment.

The best part of this is… it’s not inherent.

Like most things,

It’s a skill that can be learned and practiced.

The example of the actor

I worked with from

The beginning…

This meant the world

Because it’s a demonstration

Of how someone can catch a thought

And make a new choice

In line with what really matters to them.

***

Now, when we were all young

We were far better actors.

Maybe not technically…

But we had huge capacity for

Play

Imagination

And

Curiosity.

There was no concept of right or wrong, good or bad.

Everything was play.

Everything was a game.

Embarrassment or self-consciousness

Wasn’t a factor in life because

We had no evidence that we couldn’t do something.

So we attempted everything.

Without fear of failure

Without fear of judgement.

Wow. My god.

Doesn’t that sound nice.

Imagine you walk into an audition room

You feel calm, primed, prepared.

Ready to give your work,

Ready to feel open, free and honest.

You’re ready to play.

But then…

Then the casting director says something off.

And now you’re in your head.

Questioning your choices.

Questioning your ability.

Questioning why you bothered

Getting out of bed for this shit.

Self-judgment in overdrive.

But when and why did this begin?

When did play go out the window?

When did it become about what we can get

Rather than what we can give?

I spoke to my partner about this a little,

About her three years on Home and Away

And how that shaped her.

She said:

“When I was younger I felt like

I had an easier access to my emotional range

And I was self less conscious about

Big and brave emotional choices.

Now I worry -

Am I being truthful?

Am I making a truthful choice?

Is that choice too big?

When I was younger

I focussed on emotion and stakes,

And how I feel in the performance,

Rather than the perception of the performance.

It didn’t feel like a leap into bravery,

It just felt like doing the job”.

And I tend to agree.

Before drama school

I was probably a braver actor.

When I was young,

I had no evidence of loss.

I had no evidence of artistic heartbreak.

I had no evidence that I wasn’t good enough.

Or good looking enough.

I just went about my business

Because I loved acting.

Because it’s fun.

But as my life progressed

And acting turned into a career

And inevitably as careers do

It careened in all different directions,

Of course

I did start to experience loss, grief and heartbreak.

Missing out on roles,

Long periods with very few opportunities,

Longer periods of unemployment.

And the confidence faded.

Replaced by unhelpful narratives,

I’d construct to explain why.

The embarrassment reflex kicked in

When I started to worry about

The judgement of others.

Because the judgement of others

Might be the determining factor

For whether I book the job or not.

For whether I work or not.

For whether I earn money or not.

For whether I buy food that week or not.

Our brains are like lawyers,

Trying to prove any belief we hold strongly.

When there’s a lack of

evidence that we can,

We start to find all the evidence

For why we can’t.

And so a fear of judgement makes sense.

When I was young,

I wasn’t acting to pay a mortgage,

Or rent

Or bills

Or to keep kids in daycare

Or food on the table.

It was just play.

And it was just fun.

But as we take on acting for life

It sometimes can feel no longer like a

Joyful passion, but something that we

Need to do in order to survive.

***

So how do we bring it back?

How do we get back

To performing like when were younger,

With a lack of embarrassment reflex?

Are all top performers just able

To carry on their youthful confidence?

Or is there more to it than that?

Well maybe…

What creates confidence?

How do you build it?

Where does it come from?

The word, I’ve already mentioned.

Evidence.

It’s not that top performers

Don’t ever feel embarrassed

Or self-critical or down on themselves.

Of course they do.

Meryl Streep has shit days too!

Of course top performers react to stimuli

Because... of course…

They also care what people think.

Caring what people think

Is not only normal… it’s evolution.

It’s a mechanism designed for our survival.

Trying to not care about what people think

Would be like trying to fight the ocean with a stick.

A little nod to all my Shakespeare geeks out there…

What I’m saying is.

It’s pointless to try and fight what you feel.

We all care what people think.

The difference is,

Top performs choose to do it their way regardless.

They give themselves permission

To feel whatever they feel

And yet behave in line with their values anyway,

Giving themselves the evidence that they need

To trust themselves it in their work and commit fully

With zero second guessing,

In the hour when they are called upon to do so.

So.

How do you achieve this?

By giving yourself the evidence that you can.

And it starts at home.

How you do one thing,

Is how you do everything.

Practicing a system of self-permission

Which builds confidence in the

Twenty three hours of the day,

When it “doesn’t count”

So you feel able to

Trust yourself and feel confident

In the one hour of the day when it does.

By practicing behaving

In the way you want to behave in life

Will build the evidence your brain needs

To be able to do it on camera,

In a rehearsal room or on stage.

What does this look like practically?

It looks like making choices

In your life and work

That are in accordance

With your highest value.

Or with what is actually important to you

Which might be:

Being honest.

Being kind to yourself.

Being generous with yourself.

Just being yourself.

Giving yourself permission

To be weird and silly.

Whatever.

It’s not not feeling.

I repeat:

This is not the absence of feeling.

The point is to feel what you feel,

Take a breath,

Then behave in the way you want to

Anyway.

It’s doing it your way,

Despite feeling judgement.

Or self-judgement.

Despite feeling embarrassment.

If you can get really good at this,

Then you set yourself up for

Not only being more able

To do this is the big moments,

When it really counts,

Like on set or in an audition…

But you set yourself up

To live a life,

More in line with with who you are

Or who you are capable of being.

And that to me,

Is pretty fucking great.

Have fun out there.

Dx