3 Questions To Change Your Life & Career
When I was growing up,
My brother was always told
He was smart.
That he was “the smart one”.
And it’s true.
He’s one of the smartest people I know.
At school,
He was a very well-behaved,
Straight A kinda’ student.
Everyone complimented
His intellect.
Similarly with music,
My brother was considered
The gifted one.
And to be fair,
He’s a classically trained pianist who was
Accepted into the Conservatorium of Music
For composition.
So.
Yeah.
He’s pretty darn good.
I, on the other hand,
Was considered a sporty kid.
And when I was young,
I wasn’t unhappy about it in the slightest.
In fact, I loved it.
I loved playing soccer.
Training with my friends.
Saturday morning games.
I was going to play for Australia!
(So my mum told me)
But when it came to my
Education…
Every report card I ever received read:
“Damien is a
Distraction to the other students”.
The story that I was being fed was:
I am not a “good” student.
Needless to say…
I fucking HATED getting my report cards.
Waiting in silence
While mum and dad read them, disappointed.
But it didn’t matter…
“That’s okay”, I thought,
I’m the sporty one.
I'm the “cheeky” one.
But without realising it,
I allowed this little story
To permeate my brain.
And because I never
Thought of myself as a “smart kid”,
Or a problem solver,
It impacted my education.
For example:
I never felt good at maths.
Like. Ever.
Not for lack of trying.
My Year Six teacher kindly
Stayed back at lunchtime
To help me practice long division.
I attended loads of extra help practice in high school.
All to no avail.
I dreaded going to class.
It made me feel sick to walk into a maths exam.
And don’t get me started on science.
Physics classes may as well
Have been in Russian.
And my brain
Started a curious process of
Building a mental feedback loop
To prove my theory,
In order to protect myself
From feeling stupid.
It went something like:
“I hate maths.
And because I hate maths,
I’m not good at maths…
And I’m not good at maths,
Because I hate maths
And therefore
I’m not good at maths
Etc…
The story became so ingrained into my psyche,
That without ever challenging the idea
I believed it.
And so…
I gave up maths and science.
In fact, I dropped any subject that
Made me feel stupid.
Because I hated feeling
Like a failure over and over again.
I hated getting my test results back
Looking at my mark and every time,
Feeling not good enough.
Feeling dumb.
***
Why am I telling you this?
The stories we tell ourselves
The ones that we repeat
To ourselves
And are repeated to us,
Become who we are.
They become our identity.
So
I ask you—
What stories are you telling yourself,
Either positive or negative,
That are limiting?
I think now of all
The opportunities I may have missed out on
The stories I told myself.
The imaginary rules I gave myself.
Or the beliefs that I held
That simply weren’t the full picture.
But perhaps even more fascinating…
My brother suffered too.
His burden?
His intellect.
Of course, intellect itself isn’t a burden.
But when narratives are written
Belief systems built around it,
We can end up in feedback loops
That don’t serve us
That manifest in things like
Limiting beliefs of
Perfectionism.
The constant story
That he was a model student,
A straight-A student,
The smart one
Became his cross to bear.
It became part of his identity.
He struggled desperately
To start any project,
For fear he couldn’t live up to
His own expectations
And the expectations of others.
His perfectionism was
Crippling him.
And as I write this now,
I feel quite emotional
Remembering the image of my brother,
Hunched over his desk,
With his head in his hands at eleven P.M.-
The night before a school assignment was due,
Unable to even start
Because if the work he turned out
Wasn’t absolutely brilliant,
It meant his entire identity felt like it was at stake.
How can anyone possibly
Sustain that life?
By the time he finished school
My brother was burnt out.
Exhausted.
After being accepted into the Con,
He gave up piano.
And later he’d move to England
To start life over.
***
What’s my point?
Actors.
Be aware of the stories
You tell yourselves.
And
Beware believing
The stories
That others tell about you.
Despite the best of intentions,
Over time, they may influence
How we perceive ourselves
And not necessarily for the better.
Here’s another little example
That is less dramatic:
Have you ever met someone who said:
You’re always late.
And then that someone is like…
“Yeah, I’m always late”
And that person is indeed,
Always late?
Well…
The story becomes us.
Our brains are like lawyers
That will try to find evidence
For anything we tell it is important.
Don’t just take it from me.
George Bernard Shaw wrote:
The moment we want to believe something,
We suddenly see all arguments for it,
And we become blind to the arguments against it.
Psychologists call this:
Confirmation bias.
The more you repeat a story
The stronger the feedback loop becomes
That you are the person who runs late.
It’s now part of your Identity.
***
So what’s the solution?
Here’s the good news.
Neuroplasticity.
Your brain is adaptable.
You can retrain your brain
And rewrite your beliefs.
How?
By defining the story
You want to tell.
Clearly and precisely.
And then
By taking action
To prove it to yourself.
It all starts with awareness…
Sometimes we need a helping hand to
See our blind spots,
That’s where finding people
That you enjoy working with,
Coaches, mentors, etc
Comes in really damn handy.
They can help you become aware of
Stories you’re telling yourself.
Once you’re aware -
Boom.
You’re in the driver’s seat.
Then you can start to pull them apart,
Hold them up to the light and get curious about them.
Then the best part of this process…
You get to make rewrites.
You get to create your own stories.
You get to write the rules by which you play.
Using these three simple questions:
1) How does it make you feel to hold onto that belief?
2) How would you feel if you were to let that go?
3) Who could you be, if you believed the opposite?
To illustrate this…
I’ll give you an example of a story
That I’ve wrestled with for nearly 20 years
As a professional actor working in this country.
The story goes something like:
“I get so few opportunities
Because I’m Greek-Australian”.
When I say that…
Damn, it makes me feel sad.
It makes me feel like a loser.
It makes me feel ashamed of my heritage.
And that…
Is just horrible.
How can I play with this?
How would I feel,
If I were to let that go?
This does make me emotional…
Because I could be
Unashamed,
Confident
Open,
Honest.
Etc.
Somebody who is truly proud of themselves.
I would say,
Being Greek-Australian
Is not a problem to be solved.
It’s a reality to be accepted.
It’s who I am…
If anything, it’s my superpower.
Now…
Who could I be if I believed the opposite?
The best version of myself.
So what now?
Well…
Time for a rewrite.
What do I want to believe?
What makes me feel alive?
Here are some ideas…
Being Greek- Australian creates opportunities.
Because I’m Greek-Australian,
The opportunities I go for, I’m so aligned with.
Being Greek-Australian is a gift,
Being Greek Australian
Opens the door for so many incredible projects.
If I can allow myself to believe that for a moment…
I feel like a weight has been lifted.
I feel quite emotional again, actually…
Because
It makes my body feel light.
It makes me feel energised,
Happy,
Proud,
Joyful.
Hopeful.
But secondly,
The more I focus on this…
The more I want to believe it.
The more I want to look for opportunities
To take action and prove it to myself.
Because,
That’s the kind of person that I want to be.
***
But this is just my example.
And something really close to home.
Perhaps you can relate on your level,
Or perhaps not.
Wrestling with stories isn’t always like that.
It could be as simple as
“I can’t be myself in an audition”
Or
“I need to impress the casting director
If I want to book the job”.
Perhaps you have your own version of this story.
So.
Try it for yourself.
Challenge a story,
A belief you hold,
A rule you play by…
Ask those 3 questions.
Then devise a new story.
Set the bar super low.
Take tiny actions to prove
Your new story is true.
Build a new habit over time.
And eventually…
It becomes part of your identity.
Going from saying
“I can’t write poetry”
To
“I am a poet”
Is as easy as writing one 7-line poem a week.
If you did that, in one year…
You’d have 52 haikus.
That’s enough for a small book!
Writing your own story
Is one of the most powerful
Ways you can take control of
Your career.
And how you perceive yourself.
Try it.
Give yourself something to aim for
And write that story.
Then give yourself permission to
Go out and prove it to yourself.
Oh, and for the record…
I still hate maths.
And I still don’t know how to do long division.
Luckily, acting requires very little of both.
Have fun out there.
Dx
