Beware Stories You Tell Yourself

Today,

I want to share something

A little different

To illustrate a point.

On and off for years,

I’ve play chess. 

I love it. 

Yep. Nerdy AF. 

Anyway,

A few years I began playing a friend online. 

Let’s call him Tom.

We played three games.

And I beat Tom easily,

Three games in a row. 

Wahoo, suck a fart Tom!

And I think silently to myself

“I’m much better at chess than Tom”.

And we go our separate ways.

But then…

A year later,

Tom challenges me to another game. 

Great!

Easy dopamine hit, here I come.

And we begin the game. 

To my shock, 

His opening moves are good.

Much better than mine. 

He has excellent position. 

And I’m struggling. 

A few moves later,

He wins.

He… beat me. 

Ouch. 

I kinda’ can’t believe it.

So I immediately challenge him to another game.

You guessed it. 

Tom wins again. 

Tom wins three games in a row.

What the f*** is going on!?

…How? 

I am so much better at chess than Tom! 

Desperate to save face, 

I challenge Tom to one more game. 

This is it… the decider.

I have to beat him!

To my horror

Within a few moves,

 He’s in a winning position…

My stomach turns.

I feel like such an idiot. 

And in that moment,

The feeling is strangely all consuming.

Why the hell am I feling like such an idiot?

I send him a text message:

“Man, I’m playing so badly”! 

He writes back:

“No dude, give me credit… I’m just playing well”.

And then it hits me like a freight train…

With this realisation, 

A weight was lifted.

Without making another move,

I resigned the final game with a smile on my face.

And immediately, th feelings disappeared.

It never felt so good to lose. 

My realisation…?

Tom was right.

I’m not “better” or “worse” than Tom.

He was simply outplaying me. 

This may sound obvious but

Even though it was subconscious,

I told myself that

“I am better than Tom at chess”. 

And albeit only a very small part,

I had attached a part of my identity to it.

“I am better at chess than Tom”

As if it were fact.

Which in turn led me to

Feeling a sense of self worth when I beat him.

So when the script was flipped,

And I lost…

My self worth plummeted. 

It felt like a challenge to my identity. 

To who I am as a person.

Which,

I find really quite funny now,

But if you ask me,

Is a pretty ridiculous and heavy burden

When playing a friendly game of chess.

What is my point?

Be careful of the stories you tell yourself. 

If we attach our entire identity

To something outside of our control,

And create meaning

Out of that attachment,

Like, for example…

Working professionally as an actor,

Winning roles and beating others out,

We’re setting ourselves up for a pretty miserable life.

Acting is not an identity.

It is only a fraction of an identity.

It’s just something that we do.

So then how do we define our identity?

Well that’s a whole other kettle of philosophical fish

Best saved for another article… 

But if you feel up to it,

Grab a pen and paper.

Journal for 7 minutes:

When have you attached

Your identity to something

Outside of your control?

What did you learn?

Remember,

In the words of Daniel Day-Lewis

“Acting is just a big game”. 

Just like chess. 

And how you choose to play the game

will determine whether

You’re able to stay in it for the long haul. 

Have fun out there.

Dx