4 Steps To Conquering Imposter Syndrome

A little story.

I’m riding on the bus,

On my way to rehearsals

Of a show I’m directing.

It’s a hot day.

The bus is crowded.

I’m standing,

Holding an overhead rail,

I must look haggard.

Because I can just feel

The eyes of other commuters

Staring at me.

Silently judging.

This show has been,

For the most part,

A really wonderful experience.

For majority of the production,

I have a pretty clear vision.

A way forward.

But one particular scene

The one scheduled for today

Is the biggest of the show,

Full cast on stage,

Massive ensemble highlight.

A “make or break the show” kinda’ scene.

I poured over it again and again

Trying to crack it…

But I just couldn’t.

And in the weeks leading up to it,

I’d felt Anxiety’s strangle hold on me growing.

Imagining all the actors

Looking up at me.

Their faces,

Expecting ideas,

Expecting answers.

And as I rode on the bus to work,

I suddenly feel dizzy.

My breathing shallows.

I feel a pain in my chest.

Tears sting my eyes.

My head starts spinning,

Flooded with thoughts.

“I don’t know what I’m doing”.

“I’m not good enough”.

“I’m a fraud”.

“A fake”.

“What was I thinking,

Taking this on”?

“What will all the actors

Think of me”?

“What do I do

When I get into the room

And tell them

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing”?

***

That was eight years ago.

And today,

I want to admit something.

Despite having been a professional actor

For over fifteen years

Living and breathing storytelling,

As well as mentoring and teaching actors

For the vast majority of that time

Day one,

Of most shows I begin

Or on the first day

With a new group of students,

I always feel

Like I don’t belong there.

So.

Today I want to talk about

Imposter Syndrome.

Let’s get clear on the definition:

Imposter Syndrome:

The inability to believe

That one’s success is deserved

Or has been legitimately achieved

As a result of one’s own efforts or skills.

Right.

That sounds pretty close to the truth.

But it has been suggested by many

Imposter Syndrome isn’t a real thing.

That it doesn’t even exist.

That it’s just a lack of self belief or preparation.

Perhaps there is an element of truth to this,

But what I can tell from that definition is that

Imposter syndrome isn’t defined as a feeling,

But a belief system.

And some belief systems,

(B.S. for short)

While perhaps not all baseless,

generally, are just that.

B.S. Bullshit.

Belief systems are the

Narratives that we construct

In order to make sense of our experiences.

And f those narratives

Go unchallenged long enough

They form the basis for a belief system.

And then a feedback loop begins.

For example…

“I’m not good looking enough and

Therefore I never book work.

I never book work and therefore

I’m must not be good looking enough”

Etc.

In my case,

Imposter Syndrome

Rears its ugly head like this:

Before I walk into that new room

To meet the new people I’m about to work with,

I’m terrified that at any second,

I’m going to be caught out.

Like somehow I snuck my way onto set

Or into the classroom,

Pretending to be a teacher or an actor

Pretending I know what I’m doing

And at some point

Someone will ask me a question

And I’ll be outed

And made a laughing stock

Because I’m not meant to be there.

In other words,

I feel like I don’t belong.

It’s exhausting.

But why does this belief system exist?

Most of the time,

Particularly when it comes to teaching,

It’s entirely baseless.

So what purpose could it possibly serve?

The answer is simple:

To protect me.

But why?

What is my brain trying to protect me from?

Well…

Any number of things.

Feeling not smart enough.

Not good enough.

Not good looking enough.

Feeling like I don’t deserve to be there.

And by flooding my thoughts

With this narrative,

Perhaps my body will run

And extricate me from that situation.

So the idea that Imposter Syndrome

Stems from a lack of self-belief may really

Have some validity.

So what to do about it?

Eight years ago

I was on that bus,

On the way to rehearsals

With a group of actors

Who were relying on me

To show up,

Stand before them

And help them,

Whilst my brain

Was telling me “Run”!

“Just turn around and go home.”

“Call in sick”

“No one will know”.

I knew in my heart,

There had to be another way.

So instead of running,

I leaned in.

***

There are loads of solutions to combat

Imposter syndrome.

Here’s a simple four step system,

I find useful.

Number One:

Recognise what’s going on.

What’s actually going on.

Acknowledge it.

Label it.

Give it language

So you can own it.

Here’s a useful phrase:

“And that’s okay”.

“I feel like I don’t belong and that’s okay”.

Once you’re aware

Of the feeling,

You can choose

What to do with it.

Number Two:

Give yourself some credit.

You got yourself to where you are today.

Question the narrative that

You don’t belong,

Or that you don’t deserve to be there.

This may require extra steps,

Time and thought

To unpack the reasons

Why those

Belief systems are in place.

But once you’re aware

As in the first step…

Being generous with yourself will allow you to

Reframe your thoughts.

Sidenote;

If the Imposter Syndrome is related

To a show you’re in,

Give the people who cast you some credit.

They cast you for a reason.

They know what they’re doing.

So do you.

(Even if you don’t, it doesn’t matter…

We’ll get to that).

Number Three:

Be prepared.

Work really fucking hard.

Be so fastidious in your preparation

Be so thorough in your process,

That even your worst work is convincing.

Some actors love to leave certain elements

Of their work undercooked

In the hope of retaining

A level of spontaneity.

This could be

From line learning

To character consideration

Or physical choices etc.

I am guilty of this,

Particularly when doing self-tapes

When there’s very little pressure

And I afford myself

All the freedom to play and explore.

Granted, it can work.

And can be really enjoyable.

But on set, or in the rehearsal room,

When the pressure is on

Someone is paying for the space,

Or paying to you be there,

You’re working on the clock,

And you might only have two takes to nail it.

So.

Be prepared.

Know your lines

Make some choices.

Come in with offers.

Know your shit inside out,

Back to front,

So you can do it on your head.

This way

No matter what happens,

You’ll always have your preparation

To fall back on.

Number Four:

  Be honest.

This one, I would say,

Is almost the most important

Because it’s practice contributes

To most of the outcome.

So, I repeat,

Be honest.

By maintaining being honest,

You’ll never make promises about

Something that you won’t deliver on.

Be honest about

About what you want to give.

Be honest about

What you’re capable of.

Be honest about

What you’re afraid of.

Be honest about what you know

And more importantly,

What you don’t know.

(Another side note:

It’s so okay to not know!)

It takes a lot of courage to say:

“I don’t know”.

“I don’t know”

Puts you in a position of growth and exploration.

With practice,

Admitting that you don’t know something,

Is the best feeling,

Especially when you feel like you should know.

These all may change on

On any given day.

Perhaps more-so, if you’re like me…

So, remember:

Give yourself credit.

Be prepared.

Be honest.

***

Here’s an example of

How it works in practice.

My first day on set.

A big Paramount+ Television series.

Some heavy weight names leading the ensemble.

A huge BBQ scene was first up

Where all the actors will meet,

Most, for the very first time.

Needless to say,

I slept terribly the night before.

I have always felt that the first day…

Feels like the first day at big school.

So there I was.

6:00am

In the makeup chair.

Eyes closed,

Feeling horrid.

Suddenly, next to me I hear:

“Hey! How are you. I’m Kat”.

I open my eyes and look over

Recognising her instantly.

It’s none other than

Kat Stewart.

She looks amazing, smiling, fresh as a daisy.

And immediately.

I’m feeling that feeling.

I’m not meant to be here.

I’m not on her level.

And she’s going to know it immediately.

Yuck.

I snap out of my reverie and realise

I have to answer her.

“How am I”?

Jesus… what do I say?

“I feel like utter shit”?

Or do I suck it up,

Fake a  big smile and say

“Great thanks

I can’t wait to work with you”!

Or… tell the truth?

I took a big breath and…

“Actually I’m a exhausted,

It’s my first day and I had an awwwful nights sleep”.

To my surprise

Kat stopped,

And turned around to me, beaming.

“Me too”!

She said,

“First day always feels like the first day of school”.

Instantly,

I felt my body relax.

A beautiful reminder

That no matter how long you’ve been doing this

No matter how much experience you’ve had

We’re all in the same boat

On day one.

***

So try it.

Maybe it will work for you.

Practice it.

Make it your new normal.

If it works, great!

Or if it doesn’t

There’s another way-

Then email me with your

Solution so I can try it myself!

But

Like all positive habits,

Following a system and repeating

Behaviour that benefits you,

At some point,

This new behaviour will become the norm.

And going back eight years,

To that guy who cried on the bus

On the way to rehearsals.

Well…

At rehearsals

I gathered everyone together to chat.

And as I sat curled up on one knee

In front of the actors

Looking up at the seating bank

At all their expectant faces,

I took a deep breath and said:

“Guys…

Today I don’t know what to do.

I really need your help”

I remember it so vividly.

And I’m a little choked up writing this now

Because guess what?

It turned out to be the best day of rehearsal

We had during the entire run.

We were all on the same page.

And everyone brought their “A game”.

And that cast ended up helping me

And they put on one hell of a show.

***

From time to time,

Imposter syndrome

Still pops up.

Mainly when I “should” be the one

With all the answers.

Or I should have the solution to the problem.

Or it’s my fist day at big school…

Knowing this, however,

I can I come back to these principles.

So when it does pop up…

That cheeky feeling

That “I’m going to be caught out” isn’t

Paralysing.

It’s just a lovely reminder

That I really care

About what I do

For a living.

Have fun out there.