The Truth About Winning
For the most part,
I keep myself on the outside
Of knowing all the ins and outs
Of what’s going on in our industry.
I do this quite purposefully.
Spending less of my time worrying
About what other people are up to
And what is and isn’t being cast
Allows me to focus on writing,
And working towards my own acting goals
Without the noise.
But every now and again,
A situation like this pops up…
I’m working in the library
Writing a script and as
I look over a website
I see an ad for a flashy new
Australian Television Series
Which has just been released.
I click on the link…
It takes me to the article.
The Show,
A new Aussie Drama.
Directed by someone I’ve worked with.
Produced by people I’ve worked with.
Made my a company I’ve worked with.
One of the characters in it,
Is my age, my ethnicity,
In fact, I see a picture -
I know the actor cast in the role.
And yet…
I heard nothing about it.
Nothing about the story.
Nothing about an audition.
Not one thing.
And at first, I’m just really confused…
I feel my chest tighten.
I ask myself:
“Why”?
“Am I doing this right”?
“Where was my audition”?
“Why didn’t I hear anything
About this”?
“Is it my fault for not keeping up
With the industry”?
My heart sinks.
My stomach turns
I feel my eyes burning.
It hurts.
God, I feel like a loser.
And I know…
There are two ways I could about this.
Bury my head in the sand,
Or
Lean in and get curious.
What feeling am I fighting right now?
I don’t feel valuable.
In fact…
I’m feeling worthless.
I feel like giving up.
I feel like I can’t take it.
I feel angry.
I feel like this career is not for me anymore.
I don’t want an agent anymore.
I don’t want to go through the rigmarole anymore .
I feel like fucking it all off
And going out to live on the farm
Hang out with cows all day and just breath fresh air.
Auditioning,
And not hearing back,
And then reading about someone else
Landing the dream gig,
Moving overseas,
Having adventures,
Working with great actors,
Winning awards,
Being recognised for their work.
Or worse.
Never auditioning.
And just… waiting.
The eternal waiting…
I’m fighting the feeling
That nobody wants me.
And if that’s what I have to look forward to…
I don’t want to be a part of the grind anymore.
I just wish someone would tell me
“You can do something else
And be just as, if not more satisfied with life.
By pursuing another career path”.
All because I saw
An article
About a television show.
Wow.
That’s honest.
Deep breaths.
I walk away from my computer.
By chance,
I currently happen to be reading a
Screenwriting book
By Alan Watt.
Referencing character,
He writes:
As long as a desire
Is tied to the experience
It should provide
It will forever be beyond our reach.
In other words:
If we are chasing a dream
Or goal or desire
Because we expect it to make us feel a certain way
We will never achieve that feeling.
Not a true and lasting version of it, anyway.
I was dumb struck.
It reminded of a quote
From one of my favourite films:
Cool Runnings
I loved that film as a kid.
I loved it then and I love it now.
Because at it’s core,
Cool Runnings expresses the truth about winning.
Coach Irving, speaking with his star athlete, Derice,
On the eve of the biggest race of their lives, says:
“A gold medal is a wonderful thing.
But if you’re not enough without it,
You’ll never be enough with it”.
Makes me feel like crying
To think about that.
And I’m reminded that,
Like in any well told story,
Underneath my problem
Lies a false belief.
Something that
Even without realising it,
I’ve told myself is true.
In this case:
“If I booked that T show
I would be…”
You can fill in the blank.
Happy?
Respected?
Fulfilled?
Valuable?
Rich?
Important?
Satisfied?
Worthy?
…Enough?
The fact of the matter is…
While the feeling is valid,
These are all false beliefs.
And trying to create
Meaning out of accomplishing a desire
That is outside of my control
Is a sure fire way to set myself up for disappointment.
When I achieve ABC… Then I’ll be XYZ…
Getting what you want
And being happy
Are two different things.
Phew
But understanding this
didn’t stop the pain immediately.
Nor did it eliminate the sadness
Of not receiving an opportunity.
Because I am human.
And I love my career.
But what it does do,
Is put into perspective what
Really matters.
To me.
And I realise, not for the first time,
But for the millionth time…
My happiness
Doesn’t rely on acting.
My value doesn’t lie in a job.
It lies in me.
Something I absolutely need reminding of.
From time to time.
And it’s so okay
To feel hurt.
To feel sad and disappointed
It’s okay
To sometimes feel worthless.
But when you do,
Recognise the feelings
That you’re fighting.
Because sometimes the best
Thing to do.
Is surrender to them.
Allow yourself to be in them.
In order to move through them.
For me,
The feeling that I’ve been fighting so hard
Is throwing in the towel.
And so today…
I give up.
My body, my brain, my heart
Need a little time off.
So…
For the rest of the week
I’m not an actor.
Today,
Little damo is going to get a haircut.
Tonight,
I’ll hang out with my daughters and relax.
Because
I can always start over,
With a clean slate
When I feel ready.
Dx
