Sorry Is Killing Your Career
This one’s for my sister.
Once upon a time there was a little girl.
She had a mum an dad,
Two brother’s
And a dog and cat.
The world was her oyster.
She loved playing with her brothers…
Imaginative play was their favourite.
Her middle brother often tormented her,
Dressing her up in all sorts of weird costumes:
Winter jackets and cricket gear for armour
And then he’d force her fight against him
In all out “wars” in the backyard.
She always had to be Germany…
Life for them was ace.
But one day…
And it’s not easy to pinpoint when,
But sometime
Between starting school and growing into adults,
They both developed this desire to
Want to please people.
To be liked.
And accepted.
As a lot of human’s do.
And, similar to a lot of people…
A word
Became quite common place in their vocabulary.
That word is:
“Sorry”.
Harmless, really.
But… over time,
The habit of using “sorry” grew
Into an unconscious tick
That qualified every thought and action
They carried out.
“Sorry, I just want to- ”
“Sorry, can I check- ”
“Sorry, this might be dumb, but-”
“Sorry, can I ask you-”
Sound familiar?
For some
It might just be a tick.
Nothing more than a habit.
But for others,
It’s a signal to the world
That you aren’t comfortable taking up space…
And so I want to talk about
What I see as one of the more
Damaging words
In a person’s vocabulary.
Not because of what it represents.
But because of how it’s misused.
“Sorry”
Was once reserved for apologising.
And an apology is an
Expression of regret for an offence -
For an action that lead to someone being hurt,
Whether that be physically or emotionally.
So, when does someone apologise?
When they’ve done something wrong.
And yet… for those people who
Don’t feel able to take up space,
“Sorry”,
Now precedes almost everything.
I kid you not, here’s an example from yesterday:
I was on my way to the park to read my book
And a woman asked me for the time…
She was maybe seventy.
A bit frail.
I could see, pretty clearly, that
Life hadn’t been all that kind to her.
And as I walked past her,
We made eye contact
And this was the conversation.
She said:
“Sorry, do you have the time?”
“Uh… Its 2:30 - 2:35, actually.”
“I’m sorry. Ok, sorry sorry, I’m sorry”.
And she quickly shuffled towards the bus stop.
My heart sank.
And I felt a deep sadness for her.
Because clearly… no one has ever told her
That she doesn’t need to apologise to exist in the world
And ask someone for the damn time.
This learned behaviour is
A survival tool.
A mechanism that we employ
As a means to keep our bodies safe from harm.
And it works!
People who apologise aren’t threatening.
They are submissive.
And therefore, can’t be at odds
With the people around them.
Thus… keeping them safe.
But where does that lead us?
And what does it mean for actors?
Well…
When it comes to top performance,
How you spend the 23 hours of the day
When it does’t count,
Dictates how you spend the 1 hour of the day
When it does.
What I mean is:
If you are apologetic in your own life unnecessarily,
Then you can bet your bottom dollar
You’re more likely to be apologetic
On stage or screen
In the moment when it really counts.
If repeated,
Saying “sorry” when you don’t need or mean to
Becomes the default way to pre-empt judgment,
And manage other people’s discomfort,
Or avoid being seen as difficult.
Spending energy managing how other people feel…
Is a fast track to exhaustion.
Because it’s outside of your control.
And therefore… not worth investing your time in.
The biggest problem for actors is
If “sorry” is our default MO,
Eventually…
It bleeds into our work.
On the other hand-
Being unapologetic is gold for an actor.
Because the characters we play on stage or screen,
Often behave in ways that you or I wouldn’t…
And that’s exactly what the audience pay to see.
So having strong opinions
And commitment to our choices is only possible,
When we give ourselves permission to do so.
Being apologetic robs us of that.
Being apologetic in life
Makes us more likely to undermine our own choices,
Our commitment to those choices,
And the opinion we hold for the characters we portray.
Apologising makes the work,
For lack of a better term,
“Wishy-washy”.
An apologetic choice is neither here nor there.
It’s on the fence… Compromising your position and
Devaluing whatever your about to say
Or any action you've taken.
And the same is true in life.
Wow… okay.
Damn, that’s a lot.
So…
What can we do about it!?
You might not love this
But… as always,
It’s practice.
Practice not saying “sorry”.
I’ve spent the last… nearly 10 years practicing.
Just ask my partner.
It’s infuriating for her…
I’m joking-
It’s not like we never say “sorry…”
We’ve just done our darnedest to make
The default position something more sustainable.
Avoiding “sorry” and being unapologetic
Doesn’t mean being rude.
It doesn’t mean being disrespectful or unkind.
And it doesn’t mean never saying “I’m sorry”
Sometimes…
“Sorry” is really the only thing to say
When wanting to acknowledge a mistake or wrongdoing.
But when you haven’t done anything “wrong”,
Avoiding “sorry” means;
Giving yourself permission be where you’re at,
And to express yourself without self-judgement,
Without trying to manage other peoples feelings,
And making yourself small.
Imagine walking into a job interview or audition,
With people you really admire,
Owning your time and space,
Because you’re clear on your values and
You know what you want.
You trust yourself.
You don’t make yourself small,
Or feel the need to apologise unnecessarily.
You don’t search for approval.
You feel grounded, open and clear.
To me that sounds like
A pretty dang awesome goal to work towards.
***
What I’m trying to say here is…
You don’t need to say “sorry” anymore.
You don’t need to apologise.
You don’t need to qualify.
Or make yourself small.
It’s okay to have an opinion
And it’s okay to express that opinion.
Unapologetically.
So… if you want,
Try this for a week.
Or even a day…
See what happens.
Practice teaching your body that
It’s okay to take up space.
That it’s okay to take up time.
Notice when you say “sorry”.
Notice when you rush.
Notice when you make yourself small.
Notice when you second guess.
Notice when you don’t do it your way.
Once you’re aware…
You’re now in a position to decide what you do next.
Lean in… Get curious…
Ask yourself:
Where’s my focus?
Am I trying to manage
Other peoples emotions or expectations?
Am I trying to avoid rocking the boat?
Or annoying somebody?
Am I protecting myself from feeling:
Opinionated?
Not likeable?
Disagreeable?
Then, if you feel up for it
For a week,
Practice this:
Instead of saying “sorry” as your first word,
Make your first word your breath.
Take a deep breath.
Then replace “sorry" with
“Thank you”
Or “excuse me”
As in,
“Thanks for your patience”
Instead of
“Sorry, I’m late”.
Or
“Excuse me, do you have the time”?
Rather than
“Sorry, can I have the time”?
Use whatever language you like-
Anything that breaks the habit
In a way that suits you.
Change the language, change your life.
This kind of self-permission doesn’t always come naturally.
So go slow and be kind.
***
Right now,
I’m trying to raise my two daughters
To grow and thrive in this world
And a huge part of that for me
Is going to be teaching them
That they have the right to be here
And they never have to apologise
For taking up space,
Being themselves,
Wanting something
And pursuing it.
So I’ll finish with this…
You want to hear a little ironic story?
I said sorry to my daughter this morning.
We were lying in bed and she jumped on me-
WWE style.
WHACK!
15kgs right on my face.
It hurt…
So I rolled her off my face.
Gently, but firm enough to say “ouch”.
She… did not like that.
And she immediately told me so.
“You shouldn’t push people”!
“But you weigh 15 kilos… and you just
Body slammed my nose”!
I thought silently to myself…
She scrunched up her face…
“You’re going to make me cry”.
And then she burst into tears.
I remember she is 3 and a half.
Reason is not her ally.
I realised this in the moment and
Thought… she’s right.
I’m the adult…
There was a better way to handle that.
I hugged her and said
“I’m sorry I pushed you off”.
She said:
“I don’t accept your apology”.
The little arsehole…
She didn’t apologise.
And in a way…
I hope she never does.
Have fun out there.
Dx
