Should Actors Have Kids?

3 July

Written By Damien Strouthos

I know there are

A lot of actors out there

Who would probably

Love to have kids one day

But struggle with the thought

For many, fairly obvious reasons.

Well, my eldest daughter turns four

In a few months,

I had my second daughter

Late last year,

And I’ve never reflected

On how their arrival

Has changed me as a person,

And my career as an actor.

So here goes…

I don’t have to say

“My daughters are

The most important thing in my life”.

For you to know that it’s the case.

But I want to admit,

The day my partner walked into our living room

In 2021

Holding a positive pregnancy test,

Literally shaking with nervous excitement…

I was immediately petrified.

It was an insane feeling of

Instant and absolute overwhelm.

We hugged and then found our way

To the floor and held each other

In shock.

And in that instant,

My body was flooded with

Emotions and intrusive thoughts…

“I am not ready to be a father”.

“I don’t know what I’m doing”.

“My life is not in order”.

“I don’t have enough money”.

“I still have things that I want to achieve

Before I become a dad”!

“I will never be able to give a child the life

My parents gave me”.

And again…

“I have don’t have enough money”!

And I wish I could say

That by the time my daughter was born,

I had it all figured out.

And that all my financial and existential

Problems were solved,

And that I knew exactly what to do.

But nothing could be further from the truth…

***

But let’s back up for a minute.

Before we even tried,

Before we even considered the idea of children,

I’d expressed my concerns…

About us,

Two actors,

Trying to bring life in to the world.

Worried about money,

Worried I wouldn’t be a good father,

Worried about the instability of life.

Worried that I wasn’t ready.

So my partner and I went and sat

On a bench in a park

And talked it over.

We sat for a long time.

And on the point,

My partner stopped me

After I said:

“I’m just don’t think I’m ready to be a father”

She asked:

"Do you want kids”?

“Yes”.

“When will you be ready”?

“I don’t know”.

“How will you know when you’re ready”?

I was kinda’ stumped.

And it got me thinking…

I imagined life in 10 years. 20 years 30 years time.

And the answer was…

“Never”.

I will never feel ready.

I could be 40, 50, 60 years old

And still not feel ready to have kids.

Even now…

I can pretty confidently say,

No matter what I did

How much money I made,

Not matter what was going on in my life,

I would probably never feel ready

To have children

Because there’s no way of truly knowing

What to expect.

And no amount of book reading

Or earning money

Or trying to feel stable was going to

Alleviate those feelings.

This classic thinking:

“When I, then I…”

When I have a stable job,

And am earning heaps of money

Then I’ll be ready to have a kid.

It’s just not how life works…

And this one thought… was the difference.

I do want kids.

I’ll never feel ready.

And if I imagine my life when I’m 70…

I want to be an able grandparent

And one day run around the farm

With my grandchildren

If I’m lucky enough to have them.

So… with this in mind…

We tried,

And very luckily fell pregnant.

My parter did,

She did most of the work.

I contributed a little.

And after 9 months of

Watching my partner go

Through the most astonishing

Transformation,

I got a phone call from Jess who

Was in hospital, saying:

“Today’s the day”

***

The emergency C-section was

Something we didn’t expect.

And being rushed into surgery at 1am wasn’t

In the birth plan.

A story for another time perhaps.

But the very first time I held her

This tiny little thing…

Scarlett…

She was handed to me,

I held her on my chest

In a dark room as Jess

Was rushed off to be stitched up.

It was strange and surreal,

But in that moment,

I had an instant and innate animal impulse,

To keep her safe - to love and protect her.

I don’t know where that came from.

The entire pregnancy had felt very abstract

And now it was all too real.

And as we sat for half an hour or so,

Just Scarlett and me,

Getting to know each other…

Nothing else really seemed to matter.

This feeling would last for quite a while.

And It was only when we left hospital

And arrived home for the first time thinking:

“Hold on. Are these people really going to

Just let us walk out of here with a baby!?

That seems so irresponsible of them!”

Both Jess and I realised

Oh…

We have to continue doing life

But now we have this creature present.

Nothing could prepare us

For the seismic shifts that were

About to occur,

Both personally and professionally.

***

I knew having a child meant responsibility.

But no one ever used the word

Relentless

To describe it.

What I would say to anyone

Thinking of having a child,

Is that there is no off switch.

And the most immediate impacts of having

A baby, come instantly.

These challenges were:

1) Time.

My time was no longer my own.

And the time that was mine,

Was very very limited.

2) Exhaustion.

I used to get 8 hours a night sleep.

Haha.

My partner and I struggled horribly with sleep

Through the entire first two years.

Still do sometimes…

3) My career was no longer

My only priority.

Taking acting jobs

Felt like hurdles rather than

Just fun and exciting opportunities.

4) Life could be upended

At any moment.

Due to sickness or emotional needs,

When our kids wellbeing is at stake,

Life stops to ensure their health and safety.

No question.

5) My daughters needs trump my own.

This one is worth thinking about.

In a career that demands everything of you,

How can I succeed

If I’m not willing to sacrifice it all

To make it work?

***

Despite all this…

For all of the challenges,

No one talks about the unexpected benefits.

Let me explain.

1) What is the benefit of having no time?

Efficiency.

Known as Parkinson’s Law -

Is the idea that work will expand to fill up

The time allocated to complete the task.

So if you’ve got three months

To fix the shower,

It will take three months

If you have three hours

It will take three hours.

So time became my most precious asset.

I began structuring my time and how’d I’d spend it

Doing the most high leverage activities I could think of

In what little time I had.

With only small windows to work in,

I become intentional with goals and practices

That would lead to expanding my life and career.

In the 15 years

Of being a professional actor

Before having a child

I wrote a total of zero screenplays.

In the nearly four years after having children,

I’ve completed two screenplays,

And am writing a third and fourth.

While simultaneously writing two TV series.

Never did that before I had kids…

And I have “less time” than ever.

2) What is the benefit of being exhausted?

Slowing down

and prioritising health.

(including mental health)

Being exhausted in that first year

Helped my partner and I

Focus making health our priority.

Recognising the importance of sleep and exercise,

We developed the habit of allowing each other

Time every morning to sleep in,

If nights were rough,

And daily exercise to stay healthy.

A practice we’ve kept up to this day.

Before having a kid,

I drank (a lot) every single weekend…

I don’t remember a time after my twenties when I didn’t.

Having our daughter changed that.

Prioritising health means

I’m more energised and motivated

To focus on my writing, acting and teaching.

Sidenote:

A secret benefit of being exhausted

Is having far fewer f*cks to give.

There’s just not enough time and energy to

Waste on things that don’t matter!

3) What’s the benefit of not being able to take

Any job I want?

Being intentional about what jobs

I actually do want.

And pursuing them.

With a different understanding

About my priorities, I’m far more

Discerning about which jobs I take.

How to decipher?

Quick answer-

I listen to my gut.

Failing this -

I developed a little system that follows

Three simple rules:

1 - The job advances my career.

2 -The job pays well.

3 - The job is a passion project.

For me to say yes to a job,

It must fulfil at least two of the three.

Of course this isn’t fool proof,

And sometimes I stray outside

Often to pay the bills.

But being intentional about work

Has allowed me to focus my career trajectory

And lead me to work on projects

That truly excite me.

It has also opened up communication

Between me and my partner

About what we want

Out of our careers,

And how we can support each other

When one of us gets an acting job

That we desperately want to pursue

Even if it’s tricky to negotiate.

And you know what?

It has happened

Many times.

And we’ve made it work.

Every single time.

4) What is the benefit

For life being upended

At any moment?

Patience.

This one is particularly hard for me.

Because I love a schedule.

I love knowing what my week holds.

I love planning each day.

And feeling productive.

So when my daughters get sick

Or we need to take a trip to hospital

On Christmas Day

(Which happened with my second,

When poor little Tilly was only a week old)

The lesson learned was:

Let go.

Give up on trying to control everything.

Be exactly where you’re at.

Because some things

Are within our control

And some things are not.

Some things are up to us.

And some things are not.

In terms of my career,

All I can do is to

Make my daily work

Easy and Energising

And take it one day at a time.

And then be ready for everything to go to shit.

Because inevitably… it will.

As an actor,

Patience might be one of

Our greatest yet most under-rated skills.

Most of our time will be spent waiting.

For an opportunity

For a response

For a call

In rehearsals

Backstage

On set.

We can’t control certain elements

Within the industry,

But we can define how we respond to

Any given circumstance.

Learning how to negotiate

Long periods of waiting,

is imperative.

Then, on the other hand, of course,

Last second changes can and do occur on the job

All. The. Time.

The ability to adapt is key.

As I mentioned,

This one is tricky for me.

Slowly but surely,

I’m learning.

And when things are going smoothly,

I just Keep asking myself:

“What one high leverage

Activity that I can do today”?

5) What is the benefit of my daughter’s needs

Being greater than my own?

This was unexpected,

And perhaps the most profound.

I can only speak for myself here but

Since having a child,

My heart has grown more open.

My cynicism has been tempered by empathy

And for the most part, kindness.

As an actor,

Feeling connected emotionally

And having access to that emotional connection

Has been really valuable.

My capacity for love increased.

And with it, an ability to

Tap into my emotions during work

That I never felt was previously available.

Or if it was, it was so well disguised

That no amount of acting training

Had yet to bring it out of me.

Before going to drama school,

I remember on many occasions hearing

The notion that a young actor shouldn’t train

Until they’ve had significant “life experiences”.

Well, finally,

Fifteen years after training,

I think I understand why.

***

Over the past four years

I’ve gone from believing

I would have to give up acting,

Go out and get a “real” job,

And earn twenty thousand dollars a month,

To provide my kids with a decent life,

To understanding:

What a child’s needs

Actually are.

My kids don’t need me

To earn millions.

They need me to be present.

They need my attention.

My patience,

My generosity

My play.

My love.

And that’s it.

There’s nothing more valuable to them than that.

They won’t remember the toys.

They’ll remember the feeling

They had when we played the game.

And for all of the dark days,

There is bright laughter.

For all the sleepless nights,

Tantrums and messy rooms,

There are dance parties

And for everything else,

There are cuddles.

***

So…

For any actors out there

Who want kids but are worried,

Thinking, like I did,

That they couldn’t have kids and a career

…It’s possible.

Don’t get me wrong.

There are dark days.

Moments I’ve cried.

So many moments where I cried thinking…

“Will I ever not feel tired again”?

“I just wish I had more time”!

(And there will probably be many more moments like that)

But in my experience,

Having children doesn’t prevent you

From doing the things in life that

You really want to do.

In fact,

I would say having kids

Lights a fire beneath

What you truly value

And places intense focus

On making those things a priority.

Whether that be

The work you actually want to do,

Making a contribution to your art,

Or connecting with friends and family,

Or simply how you want to spend

Your very limited time on this planet.

I’ll be honest.

I have no idea whether

A person should or shouldn’t have kids.

But what I do know is;

It’s got nothing to do with being an actor.

All that matters is whether you want them or not.

For myself

The best part of having children

Has been to see the big picture in life.

The big picture has become very clear.

My life perspective, it’s trajectory

And it’s very fleeting nature.

And so the understanding of my values

Has come into focus.

What’s actually important to me.

Since having kids,

Life has become more urgent.

Not to find success…

But to spend it doing more of what I love.

With the people that I love.

Why would I waste it otherwise?

That’s corny.

But fuck it… it’s the truth.

The day to day is definitely more challenging.

But that’s part of the deal when

Becoming a parent

But recognise;

Having kids is a season in life.

And like all seasons,

It will pass.

And of course,

Right now,

I won’t just drop everything and go do

Whatever I want, when ever I want.

Autonomy of one’s time and the freedom

To pursue whatever you want without

Having to check a calendar is awesome.

It’s a privilege.

And if you value that more than anything…

I can respect it,

And maybe having kids isn’t for you.

But If you are an actor and you do want kids

You can be less scared.

It’s always worse in your head.

And you’ll figure it out as you go.

For me,

Whether it was now or later

That season of having kids was something

I wanted to experience.

And as this season of kids does pass

And one day,

It will…

They won’t be kids anymore.

They’ll be adults.

And I’ll have all the time in the world

To do what ever I please.

And ironically,