For Actors With Anxiety
If you will.
Let me explain the process
Of a real experience
In a moment of my life
When I wanted to give up acting.
This happened two years ago,
And it’s only now that I’m
Going through some old articles
And feel willing to share.
So here goes…
***
It’s Friday.
A very normal day at work,
Writing at the library.
I open my browser
In a moment of distraction when
I was finding it hard to concentrate on my work,
I start reading an article.
It was about a friend.
They’d just landed another major success in their career.
And zap!
Just like that…
I shut down immediately.
I close off.
I run.
I hide.
I’m sitting in the library,
Surrounded by people,
But internally
I’m gone.
I feel my insides turn,
My throat tightens
It feels like my heart is creeping
Up to escape out of my mouth.
It’s. Fucking. Horrible.
What the hell is going on in my body?
How quickly this feeling came on.
Why am I feeling this way?
And in that second I realise.
Oh I know.
It’s my old friend.
Survival.
Oh my god it’s so annoying.
And I think to myself…
“Okay…
Let me work with this.
Let me get it out”.
I’m not Bhuddist,
But I think this amazing idea once,
When considering the tidal wave
Of emotion that I can feel
When triggered.
If you are on the bank, looking at the river,
Then you can’t be in the river…
So I start to write:
I’m perceiving the someone else is doing
“Better” than me,
And I immediately want answers
“Why can’t I be doing that”?
“I’ll never achieve that”.
“That seems so unattainable”
“Well… maybe I’m just not good enough”.
And it hurts.
Because it feels like the tribe will love them.
And the tribe will forget about me.
And I will be left behind.
So my first response
My primal response
Is that my body immediately tries to protect me.
And thank god.
Because if it didn’t,
Then I probably would have been dead
A lot time ago.
But this search for a solution sends my brain
Immediately into overdrive:
It says:
Hide.
Find safety.
Comfort.
In meaningless tasks.
Or food.
Or any dopamine producing activating.
Rather than lean into something painful.
Ah man.
I love my body.
For doing it’s job.
It protects me so well.
It has got me to where I am.
It is doing exactly what it was designed to do.
But.
It’s not serving me right now.
Because as I hide,
Ignoring this feelings of inadequacy,
The fact remains…
If I don’t lean in…
My fear
My shadow
My survival reflex
Will only grow.
So
How to more forward?
I actually wrote this years ago.
A few days after my birthday.
And reading back over it,
I realise how much time plays into it.
I wrote a letter to myself…
It sounds odd,
But I tell you —
The practice of this has saved my arse
Hundreds of times that I’ve begun to feel helpless.
A couple of steps…
First: Kindness
Hey buddy.
I know you’re hurting.
I know you’re not where you want to be
At this moment.
But, you’re doing the work.
Take your time.
Look after yourself.
Your ability to recognise these feelings,
Catch them and then work with them, is fucking awesome.
Keep going.
Second: Acknowledge where I’m at.
Of course you feel inadequate… and that’s okay.
You read an article about a close mate who looks
Like they are having the bloody time of their life
While you’re exhausted because your daughter
Decided she wanted to start a dance party at 2am this morning.
Your friend,
You care about them,
You care what they think.
They’re achieving things you’d love to achieve.
Of course you feel behind.
You’ve been so close to numerous projects recently,
Massive opportunities that haven’t gone your way
And you’re already feeling tender.
You’re also trying really hard to hold numerous plates in the air,
Father,
Actor,
Writer,
Business owner,
Partner,
Son,
Brother,
Coach,
All while raising a family.
Of course… it’s going to feel hard.
It sucks to feel behind
And to feel like you’ll never get there
And wanting to give up from time to time
That’s okay.
In fact - that’s be expected!!
The truth is…
The road is long and
You’ve got nothing but time.
Third: Question: what is actually important to me?
Taking my time.
Being Honest.
Being Kind.
Being Generous.
Letting myself feel what I feel.
Doing it my way.
And keeping on keeping on.
Stay the course.
Trust myself.
Fourth: Reminder.
You are on the right track.
Your track.
Keep going buddy,
You’re doing everything you can do.
***
And that’s it…
In the time that it took to me to write this.
Perhaps 5 minutes
The initial feeling
The fight or flight response,
Has practically dissipated.
In fact,
I almost feel a sense of pride.
For taking the time to be honest.
And getting it out of my head
And onto paper.
After writing this
I think I closed my laptop,
Left the library
And took the arvo off
To give up acting/writing/working/grinding.
And just enjoy the sun.
Because fuck it, why not.
Strange right?
When I was growing up
The idea that someone could have
“Self Compassion”
Sounded gross to me.
Even writing that phrase now makes me think ‘ew’
And then I laugh.
Because that’s exactly what I needed to learn.
Our industry is challenging for many reasons.
If you’re like me,
And were raised playing super competitive sports,
At a super competitive school.
Switching that button off in your brain is difficult.
I still remind myself from time to time
That competing in a game like acting or writing
is like arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Pointless.
And the more you do it
You’re only attaching yourself to a boat
That is going to sink.
This road is long.
Your journey is your own.
Coda:
Writing this down
Got me out of my head.
And allowed you to see
My exact process for dealing with:
Challenging feelings
Negative thoughts
Spiralling together
Seemingly out of control.
I never thought that when I started this journey,
That I’d write an article like this.
Expressing in real time what was happening internally.
It’s scary to share.
But the truth is,
It helps.
Because I’m proud of my friend.
And truly inspired by their journey.
And
If you can you relate,
Id love to hear from you.
Shoot me an email and share.
Have fun out there.
D x
