Going First

So I studied acting at WAAPA.

The Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts -

A time that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. 

But… I have an admission.

I wasn’t what you’d call an

A-grade student.

Certainly not when I started.

In truth I probably

Half-assed a lot of it.

You see,

In the second round of auditions

I met the head of acting:

Chris Edmund.

Chris is most famous for being

Hugh Jackman’s acting mentor,

And being compared to Albus Dumbledore

On Australian Spelling Bee.

He is a truly wonderful man. 

But as I was auditioning,

I was told something by a friend

Who was already studying at WAAPA,

In third year at the time.

They had been speaking to Chris

At the lunch break,

And my friend relayed to me,

What Chris had asked him:

“Why does Damien want to come to WAAPA? 

He doesn’t need it”.

Weird… He doesn’t need it?

Perhaps referring to was the fact

That I had just completed a tour -

My first profressional acting job

Performing with the Bell Shakespeare Company 

Right before auditioning for the school.

But I was adamant. 

“I’m not ready for the industry”. 

“I want to train".

“I want to improve”.

“I want a solid foundation”.

And perhaps this was true.

But there was also a part of me,

That was impatient.

That simply wanted to get on with acting.

Long story short,

It was a successful audition and pretty soon

I found myself in Perth,

Preparing for my first day.

But Chris Edmund’s question

Had planted a seed of doubt.

“Do I need to be here”?

You know what’s really weird about this doubt?

I was secretly proud of it.

That question from the head of the school,

Made me confident in my ability,

That even at twenty years old

I knew what I was doing.

Chris obviously liked my work so much

That he would suggest

That I didn’t even need training!

Or so I thought…

Little did I know how much this narrative would 

Limit me.

***

So there I was in Perth,

A twenty year old kid.

A week before our training commenced. 

And during that week,

There was a lot of talk about drama school:

BREAKING ACTORS DOWN

And

BUILDING THEM BACK UP

And despite this being exagerated idea

To some degree, it’s true.

Drama school’s purpose is to rid actor’s of their old habits

And give them a new set of skills

That will carry them into the industry.

But I was a stubborn young actor.

I wasn’t about to let that happen.

I was quite sure I knew how to act.

“I didn’t need drama school”

Chris said so, after all…

However, 

For another young actor,

It was quite different.

And before our course had even commenced,

He pulled out.

Perhaps he didn’t like Perth.

Perhaps he was afraid.

Probably I’ll never know.

But it was his leaving,

That brought about a pretty amazing occurrence.

A week after the rest of my year had started  the course, 

The first actor was replaced by another.

Let’s call him… Sam. 

I don’t know if it was because

Sam felt like he had something to prove

Or he is just built this way,

But he had the opposite mentality to me.

He didn’t feel like he deserved to be there,

He felt like he has something to make up for.

So he worked his arse off.

Throwing himself into training headfirst,

As committed as one could possibly be to:

Exploring.

Working.

Improving.

Dedication of the highest degree.

I watched as Sam,

Who was raw and energetic,

Transform himself by the end of drama school

 Into an acting powerhouse. 

Through curiosity

Generosity

And most importantly

By going first.

He was the personification of one of the most

Generous habits I’ve ever seen.

Self-permission.

He was always the first on the floor.

For every exercise.

For every assessment.

For every opportunity.

It became his thing.

It’s what he was known for.

No matter what it was,

When ever Sam got up,

We knew we were going to watch someone 

Give everything. 

Always prepared. 

To fail gloriously,

Or to fly. 

Not only was this clever

Because he was the first

To get over the nervous speed hump that

Comes with waiting,

But often times,

Because he went first…

If there was time at the end,

 He would get to perform twice.

2 x the experience.

2 x the growth!

Quite a neat little habit. 

It’s absolutely no surprise to me,

That more than ten years after we left WAAPA

Sam is one of the most highly sought after actors in Australia.

***

Why am I telling you this?

Well…

It wasn’t until after I graduated

And really committed to building my life

 And career as an actor that I looked back

And realised something… 

Because of my doubt,

I never went first. 

I watched everyone go before me.

And I was always last or second to last.

Why? 

Because I was afraid.

I was afraid that I might break the illusion,

That I don’t need drama school.

And shatter that part of my identity. 

If I was to get up and perform,

And my work wasn’t “perfect”,

If my work wasn’t “the best”

Or worse…

If I were to fail

What would everyone think of me?

Ah,

The fear of judgement. 

Like a cosy little rug

Letting me know I care.

And so, 

For the most part,

I played it safe. 

I watched,

Observed

 And learned that way.

Second hand.

And when I thought I knew

The “right” way to do something,

Then and only then would I get up. 

Ah… little damo

What a realisation… 

So, what is my point?

The world is just waiting for you to go first.

Acting class.

An audition room.

Self-tape.

On set.

Your script.

That play.

Your short film.

Your feature.

In fact the whole industry

 Is waiting for the person,

Who is generous enough 

To step up 

And lean in to their vulnerability

And go first.

That vulnerability creates connection.

It binds humans together

And makes great leaders of people.

But also,

The person who fails first,

Learns the most.

We  grow through adversity.

A plants roots,

Overwatered in a pot,

Will rot and the plant will die.

In order for the roots to grow in search of water,

Requires struggle against the drought.

Sitting waiting in my comfort zone

Hugging my cosy narrative

That perhaps

“I don’t need to be here”

Meant I wasted countless opportunities

To go first, fail and to fly.

It took me thousands of hours to learn that.

I wish I’d learned it years ago.

By stepping into that unknown space,

Where I don’t know what I’m doing,

Where at any second,

It might all fall to pieces

And inevitably… it will.

But that is where the magic lies.

So if you’re keen,

Try an exercise.

Journal for seven minutes:

What did you “fail” at recently?

What was the best thing that came from that experience?

And what are you ready for next time?

Remember:

Lean into vulnerability.

Lean into fear.

Go first. 

Fail. 

Learn. 

So that you can fly. 

And have fun out there.

D x