How Ego Can Change Your Career

When I was a kid, 

Maybe nine or ten,

I was sitting in my family living room 

 Watching a Robbie Williams concert on TV.

I don’t remember much else, 

Except that he was very animated,

And I was enjoying it.

That was until dad walked in…

He took one look at the T.V.

And scoffed loudly: 

“God, he loves himself”. 

Then he left. 

And for some reason…

This really stuck with me. 

Fast forward about  ten years, 

I was working my second ever job,

Selling televisions at  Hi-Fi store in Sydney. 

The only Blue-ray they played

All day, every day, on every screen,

Was another Robbie Williams concert.

He was performing to some 

One hundred and twenty-five thousand people. 

I watched as he inhaled the experience, 

Eyes closed,

Soaking in the crowd, 

Giving one of the best performances in musical history

Over and over again.

But instead of enjoying this great show

And acknowledging his wonderful talent,

This time I just I scoffed loudly to myself:

“God, he loves himself, doesn’t he…” 

***

Fast forward another ten years.

By this time I’d spent

A decade as a professional actor, 

Learning, growing, becoming who I am. 

And one evening I’m watching T.V. again.

A now older Robbie Williams is

 On the Graham Norton Show. 

He’s telling a really funny story

And being generally very charming. 

And all of a sudden, 

It just clicked for me.

I thought: 

“Yeah. He  does love himself.

And that’s a beautiful thing”. 

And as I sat there watching,

I was… crushed.

Because all I was thinking was,

“I don’t love myself”.

So, I’m here today,

To talk about

Ego. 

And how it can change the trajectory

Of your life and career. 

***

Before I go on, if the word ego

Carries any negative connotations for you,

Just think of it as:

Self permission.

Self respect.

Self love.

Self trust.

Self kindness.

Take your pick.

They are essentially interchangeable

For the purposes of this article,

And all part and parcel of

What I’m trying to express.

Now.

I didn’t know it at the time,

But that narrative I carried from when

I was ten really stuck with me.

This judgement

That anyone who loves themselves

Or anyone with an ego

Must be “bad”.

And it was poisoning me.

It meant that instead of focussing on

The parts of myself that I loved,  

Or were unique,

I would seek out

And focus on the faults. 

This pattern of thinking comes with 

A handy dose of compound interest.

Or the “snowball effect”,

As I like to call it.

The more I focused on the faults, 

The more faults I’d find. 

The more faults I’d find, 

The more I focused on the faults. 

Etc. 

When I had the realisation about Robbie Williams

A lightbulb went off… 

The way I judge other people

Is in direct relation

To how I judge myself.

It hurt to say that out loud.

Because I realised

I’d internalised the notion that 

Self-love, 

Self-compassion. 

And treating yourself with kindness

Were really dirty traits.

I had carried the mentality

Through most of my life 

That if somebody “loved themselves”

They should be ashamed. 

It meant that they were arrogant. 

Full of themselves.

Considered themselves better than other people. 

It was far better to be modest.

To put your head down

And fit in with the majority. 

It took me more a decade into my acting career

To realise  that this.

And to realise that

It really wasn’t serving me.

Not only that,

It was crushing me…

Because the majority are nothing like me.

Not how I perceived myself anyway.

So I spent a lot of time thinking 

Really nasty things about myself. 

About my body. 

My face. 

The way I sound and act… 

Loving myself,

Is something I did very little of

Early in my career.

And you can bet your bottom dollar

It influenced how I behaved

In auditions, and meetings,

In rehearsal rooms and on set.

Trying desperately to please people,

Or to look a certain way,

To fit the shape of the casting brief.

Or even compromising my values just to fit in.

Looking back, I dn’t blame myself.

Of course I did!

I wanted to be liked.

I wanted to get the part.

I wanted to work.

I wanted to survive in

What can feel like a

Jungle of an industry.

But what I would come to realise

Is that I was desperately lacking two things…

Perspective

And a healthy ego.

***

Over the past few years

I’ve been extremely fortunate to work with

Some extraordinary talents.

World class performers.

One thing I’ve noticed

That they all share in common is

A healthy ego

Which allows them

To not only look after the work,

But themselves within the work.

They lack any sense of self-judgement

Which might hold them back.

They are very protective

Of their process which allows them

Time and space to give their work.

To play. To explore. The fail. To grow.

To give without restraint.

This couldn’t exist without a

Healthy ego.

Side-note: “Healthy”

Is the operative word in that sentence.

Because of course the shadow side exists. 

When somebody has an unhealthy ego

It can hinder their relationships, their work, 

Even themselves. 

And when ego gets in the way, 

It no longer serves its purpose.

***

So.

How can we learn to cultivate

A healthy ego?

How can we continually grow

And sustainably practice self-permission?

The answer’s in the question.

It’s just that… practice.

Spend a little time ever day

Cultivating a healthy ego

By consciously and consistently

Practicing taking care of yourself.

Not just in the work, but in your life.

You may not like this,

But there is no quick fix here.

The secret is that there is no secret.

Self-permission is like a muscle.

You more you practice it,

The more it will grow.

It’s about the small steps.

If you’re a performer

(Which is all of us, by the way, not just actors…)

And you suffer from a lack of ego,

And a lack of self-permission,

You might find it

Manifesting in your work

In any number of ways.

Rushing.

Feeling silly or foolish.

Being scared to try something new.

Constantly judging yourself.

Judging the work.

Feeling self conscious.

Not wanting to start for fear of failure.

Needing to “get it right”.

Beating yourself up for making mistakes.

Never feeling good enough.

Not feeling able to give yourself

The permission to just be,

And do what you need to do,

In order to give your best work.

The list is endless.

If you can see yourself in one or more of these…

It means you’re aware.

And that’s awesome.

Because it’s the first step in this process.

The second step

Is taking a step back,

Getting some perspective

And understanding that

There is room for you.

Room for self compassion.

For self permission.

But rather than trying to climb Mt. Everest in one go,

Try conquering though many little victories.

Start from the beginning.

Clean Slate.

Get off auto pilot.

What does someone with a healthy ego look like?

A clue might be to look to your heroes.

What are some words that describe them?

Then define it clearly in your words.

Honest?

Adaptable?

Committed?

Confident?

Healthy?

Playful?

Fearless?

Of course not without worries or concerns,

But possessing the means and methods

To overcome them.

Now you have a vision,

For what it might feel like.

Then start small.

The idea here is to

Set the bar really low

And build a new habit.

Focus in on what you really want.

Take the time and

Ask yourself:

What actually matters to you in this moment?

What do you really care about?

Be honest with yourself.

Is it within your control?

Then… do it.

It might be as simple as

Taking a deep breath

When you’re overwhelmed.

Taking a break when you

Feel burnt out.

Going for a walk to the park

To clear your mind.

Getting your favourite ice cream

When you’ve had a rough day.

Etc.

The point here is to pick the lowest hanging fruit.

And practice a tiny bit daily.

Teach your body that

It’s okay to take your time.

It’s okay to not know.

It’s okay to ask for what you want.

It’s okay to be yourself.

You might find you’ve never really considered

What you actually want before.

And this might be a challenge.

So I repeat,

Low hanging fruit.

Make it as easy as possible for yourself

To keep practicing.

And from there…

Work your way up.

Go out into the world.

In a slightly more challenging situation,

Ask yourself:

What is my highest value right now?

What do I really want?

What actually matters to me in this moment?

Then give yourself permission to say it.

Or ask for it.

Or do it.

The point here is:

How you do one thing is how you do everything.

Spending more time living

In harmony with your values

And taking care of yourself

Means that when the time comes

To do it under pressure,

When the cameras are rolling,

When you’re in that big meeting,

Or when you’re on stage in front of hundreds,

It won’t come as a shock to you body

To take up time and space,

Giving yourself what you require

To perform at your best.

This small systematic change

Can yield enormous results.

Know your highest value

So when the time comes,

You’re clear,

In the moment,

About what actually matters to you.

Because

How you spend the twenty-three hours of the day

When it “doesn’t count”

Dictates how you

Respond in the one hour of the day

When it counts the most.

Practice it little by little every day.

There is room for you to have

A healthy ego.

I’d go so far as to say

A long-term career demands one. 

To make an attempt at anything artistic 

Requires a certain level of self-permission.

But to sustain a long career

Requires a lot of self-compassion.

Because the road is long

And it ain’t always gonna be smooth sailing.

So I’m here to tell you:

There is room for healthy ego.

Having a healthy amount of ego

Will allow a person to express themselves

In a way that somebody without any ego

Might really struggle to do. 

Anyone who knows me personally,

Knows I’m the least outward facing

“Love yourself” type person.

But strange as it sounds,

And of all places to learn this lesson,

It was seeing that Robbie Williams spot

On the graham Norton show that

Helped me understand and reframe the value

Of a healthy ego,

What it allows you to do

How it allows you to behave,

And in turn,

Who it allows you to become. 

So.

Your mountain is waiting.

Have fun out there.

D x