Envy

Last week

I found myself

Sitting on the toilet

Messaging my friend,

Trying to catch up.

It’s a bit difficult.

His schedule is very full.

Not to mention,

We both have children.

And lives.

And live far apart.

But we haven’t seen each other in ages

And I miss hanging out.

My phone buzz’s.

He’s sent me a voice note.

I click “play”

And listen to the

Roughly recorded message.

It’s good news.

Really good news.

He’s working on set

Of a big television series,

But even better,

After this gig he’s working on,

He’s flying out immediately to a far off country

For another job.

A film this time,

And putting down a tape for

Another job that he’s keen on next week.

Busy busy boy.

But…

Nothing about when we are going to catch up.

Ohh.

Yep.

That’s weird.

My body’s reaction.

My chest…

Feels immediately tight.

I’m finding it a little hard breathe.

Closed.

Restricted.

And all of a sudden

Emotions begins rushing to the surface…

Then…

I feel it.

And I recognise my old friend.

Envy.

And as I contemplate how I’m feeling,

I’m surprised…

How quickly I feel overwhelmed.

And that well of emotions begins dredging up

A bitter resentment and sadness

That I haven’t got any acting work lined up.

Nothing in the future that I can point to

That I can feel proud of in the now.

And once again,

I feel like I’m starting my career from square one,

While my friend is shooting a massive TV show

And is going overseas immediately after -

Being flown half way around the world to act.

And little old me

Is… sitting on the toilet,

Thinking over my lines for an audition

For a beer commercial.

And I just… feel… worthless.

Like a bad actor who can’t book.

Like I don’t matter.

Valueless.

Going in for a beer commercial,

Because I can’t book a real job.

***

God damn.

Honestly,

This one is really scary to share.

Because envy feels like a window to my shadow.

To the dark part of myself.

But I really want to share…

Because man,

This got me so curious!

What the hell was going on?

Why was it so overwhelming so quickly?

And what can I do about it?

Well, that’s what I’m going to

Unpack today.

***

Everyone will,

At some point of their life,

Experience jealousy or envy.

When I say jealousy,

I’m probably just referring to envy.

Jealousy is more about losing something

That you already have,

And envy refers to wanting something

That someone else has.

In this case,

We were talking about a career.

A career that seems fun and exciting,

Just awesome from the outside.

So for arguments sake,

Let’s use envy.

But there’s so much more to understand,

Before allowing envy to take over and

Become our operating method.

So.

What do we do when we experience envy,

And the plethora of emotions that it conjures up inside us?

Well.

From my experience,

There are a few points to consider.

They are:

The feeling.

Our perception.

And our vision.

I’ve never been more excited explore something

Because it’s how we meet feelings like envy

That can determine our future.

And I’m most excited that

By the end of this,

I hope you look forward to

The next time you feel envious or jealous.

Which is a really weird thing to say.

Let me explain…

***

Firstly:

The feeling.

Envy.

A sapping impulse that makes

Others’ fortune,

Our failure.

In reality,

These things have absolutely

Nothing to do with each other.

Their life

And

Our life.

We all know this intellectually.

We’ve been told a million times

Not to compare ourself to others.

That comparison is the thief of joy.

And that we are enough, etc.

And all that is absolutely true.

But then why is it that envy is still

One the strongest emotions we feel

Outside of rage or grief?

Why does it constantly overpower our

Better judgment?

The answer is in that word.

Judgement.

The feeling of envy is so powerful

Because of how we judge it.

We condemn envy and jealousy as being

“Bad”,

Which is in direct relation

To how we treat ourselves

When we experience it.

I’m not religious, anymore…

(I used to go to church when I was a kid

But that’s a whole other saga I won’t go into…)

But the idea,

That envy is a sin,

One of the 7 deadly sins, in fact,

Is deeply ingrained in us.

It’s burnt into our collective consciousness

From a very young age.

I even caught myself today,

When I arrived at daycare

With my three year daughter,

And she wanted to wear a princess skirt

Like her best friend:

I said:

“Oh, don’t worry about what she’s wearing

You just be you”.

And, even with the best of intentions,

I dismissed her feeling.

Because we are told that

You shouldn’t feel envy.

Because if you’re envious of someone

It’s “bad”.

And it’s bad if you feel it.

Okay.

Deep breath!

Let’s break it down.

Envy,

Jealousy,

Frustration,

Anger,

Rage,

Fear,

Resentment,

Even

Hate,

Aren’t “bad”.

They’re just… feelings.

They aren’t trying to kill you.

The opposite, in fact.

Those feelings are trying to protect you.

They’re natural.

They’re human.

They are built into our DNA

Through hundreds of thousands of year of evolution.

These feelings aren’t

“Good”, “Bad”, “Right” or “Wrong”.

They are simply:

Information.

And that is the most important part of this.

Those feelings are data.

A signal.

Hardwired into our body to tell us

That there is something important going on,

And it’s worth tuning in to listen.

Because there is

A need that is not being met.

or

A value that is being threatened.

So.

When the feeling pops up,

Slow down.

Allow yourself to feel

Whatever it if your feeling.

There ain’t nothing wrong with it.

And if you listen closely,

Perhaps you can learn to decode

What your body is trying to tell you.

Is there something important to you that’s at stake?

Maybe envy is the just the jolt you need.

***

In my case…

This feeling was a bolt of lightning,

Letting me know that

Something in life wasn’t in balance.

Lately, I’ve been so focused on

Keeping all the various plates in my life spinning;

I have a newborn baby

(My second)

Who needs my attention,

Which means I’ve been far more

Home-bound than usual.

I’ve started a business,

Which require time and effort.

I’ve been writing nonstop,

Which is another great love.

But I’m still teaching

And running acting workshops,

While doing voice overs

And allowing my partner time

And space to do the same,

While she also studies psychology,

So we can both look after our family financially.

Geez Louise!

In other words,

I’ve been working really hard.

So it’s no surprise that

Acting, at the minute,

Has taken back seat,

While I keep all my other plates in the air.

So, of course, when I hear about my friend,

Flying in the field that we love so much,

I get a real pang of longing to fly also.

It’s our favourite bloody thing to do,

That we’ve both been doing since we were kids!

There’s nothing malicious about that.

It’s quite understandable.

It’s quite human.

In fact,

It’s quite beautiful.

So.

When you feel envy or jealousy,

Rather than judging the feelings,

Rather than suppressing them,

Lean in,

And take time to acknowledge them.

Get curious.

Take out piece of paper

And word vomit exactly how you’re feeling.

Let your pen do the talking.

Live in the shadow for a while.

So you’re able to get clear

About what’s actually going on.

Because in my case…

What I realised

After delving a little further,

Was there’s more to this feeling than being

“Off-course”.

I experienced such strong and

Sudden rush of emotions.

Why?

Why such strong judgement over

This particular feeling?

And after a while I came to the point:

I have long carried a belief

That defined an aspect of how I view friendship.

Which is:

“You’re not a good friend

If your friend can’t tell you good news”.

To me this means:

“You’re a bad person, if you envy your friend”

So of course…

If I so much as feel the slightest sense of envy

Towards my mate,

About his career, that I really think is

Quite inispiring, 

I had long beat myself up,

Because it meant I was a “bad friend”

Or not a friend at all.

You see,

It’s not the feeling,

But the meaning I attach to it.

The judgment of it.

I feel envious.

That’s bad.

It means I’m not a good friend.

But life isn’t like this.

Life is more complicated

Then “good” and “bad”.

“Right” and “wrong”.

Life is messy.

And that’s okay.

But I had carried this narrative that

I shouldn’t envy my friends

And I should be able to hear their

Good news and to celebrate them,

Without any sense of envy or longing

Because “that’s what friends do”

And anything else,

Meant I was a bad friend.

Ouch.

That self-judgment, right there

Feels…

So oppressive.

But I’m really quite glad for it.

Because here’s the thing…

If you experience envy,

It means you care.

It means you’re human.

You have a vested interest in your future.

Your body is doing it’s best

To protect you.

And your shadow side,

The envious part,

Simply wants you to succeed.

Understanding this and labelling it,

Will help draw and clarify

Information from the feeling.

My body, indeed, was telling me.

That I was and had been off course.

The discomfort was a stark reminder

That I haven’t been paying enough attention to

Looking after myself.

Giving myself time out.

A break.

Time to focus on me.

And my own artistic life.

So.

Envy…

Thanks for that.

***

Secondly: Our Perception.

Something else to consider

Is the our perception of external.

Recognising that

Things are rarely what they seem.

And that our perception

Is never the full picture.

For example,

We all know that the internet and social media

Is a terrible source of information,

In regards to the truth of somebody’s life.

It’s excellent at keeping us feeling envious.

Feeling that we’re not enough.

Not doing what we "should” be.

Wanting us to consume more,

To buy more.

To travel more,

To want what we don’t have.

To be more than we are.

It’s excellent at projecting

Only the best parts of peoples lives

To the point where that’s all we see

And it seems like the truth.

When in fact,

We have no idea what is really going on

Behind the screen.

The work and effort it took to get there.

The loss associated with sacrifice.

The life around the work

That has torn them apart,

Their struggle.

Or any other messy parts of life

That the world doesn’t care to see.

Another example;

I’m fortunate to know

Some world class performers.

I caught up with

One such performer,

At a BBQ late last year.

He’s an Incredibly talented

Award winning actor,

With a career that’s off the charts

And he’d just come off the back of the biggest

Film Australia has made in recent history,

Not to mentioned an international tour

Of his own award winning short film.

He’s in magazines, doing interviews,

The whole shebang.

From the outside, he has everything

Somebody could want in a career.

Right?

And yet… when I saw him,

He looked hollow.

Exhausted.

He was the unhappiest he’s been in years.

He was burnt out

And his personal life,

In chaos due to illness.

He told me:

He hadn’t been home in ages.

He never sees his family

And he was desperately craving a rest.

And despite having a career

99% of actors would envy,

He said:

“It always feels like starting

From square one when ever I finish a job”.

And I realised…

He was just like me.

Suffering in his own way.

But nobody would see this from the outside.

The world only sees only the shiny golden boy.

And none of the sacrifice.

None of the hollowness

Of a life without rest and connection.

A life in need of rest and recovery.

What’s the big lesson here?

Everybody is constantly moving either

Towards a feeling,

Or away from a feeling.

Everybody wants to move towards happiness.

And everyone wants to avoid suffering.

Just. Like. Me.

My friends was suffering in his own way

Just like me.

And my other mate,

The one with the big TV job and film -

He’s trying his best to move through life

Towards what makes him feel fulfilled.

Just like me.

Everyone has their story .

If you happen to feel like a failure

While looking to someone else’s career,

Considering their life to be

In better shape than yours

You may be surprised to find that

They have their demons too,

No matter our perception.

So when it comes to “achievement”,

And our idea of what that

Might feel like,

Follow this line of questioning:

Could I be in their position,

And still be miserable?

The answer is most certainly,

Yes.

So it doesn’t follow that,

Even if you achieved that goal,

And attain their current,

Perceived success,

It would alleviate your discontent.

And if it did,

For a small length of time,

How long after that goal

Was accomplished

Would you, once again,

Be searching

For the next external result

To satisfy your desire?

Which leads me to point number three.

***

Our Vision.

Something I’ve learned over the past fifteen years

Is that there’s a huge difference

Between wanting something

Because you feel compelled

To give that work to answer a personal calling

And

Feeling attracted to something

To escape your current situation.

What do I mean?

Often what other people are doing,

Their course in life,

Their career,

Their hopes and dreams,

Are not in line with where

We actually want to be.

Their dreams are not our dreams.

Their vision, not in line with our own.

But it’s very easy to get wires crossed

When our own needs aren’t being met,

And making that distinction can be really

Challenging sometimes.

Here is a simple way to

Discern whether a

Desire is being driven by fear or love

And to re-focus on your own vision.

The next time you are

Considering a goal,

Use the phrase:

“In order to feel…”

Take 5 minutes

Grab a pen and paper

And write down the desire you have

And make it an “I want” statement.

Let’s say it’s-

“I want a leading role in a feature film”.

And after write:

“In order to feel…”

And finish the sentence.

For example;

"I want a leading role in a feature film in order to feel…”

The importance here

Is honesty.

Only you can know the truth of this statement.

What’s the answer?

Happy?

Validated?

Seen?

Wanted?

Worthy?

Valuable?

Important?

Recognised?

Like I matter?

Like a good actor?

To feel that people like me?

Free from the current reality I’m in?

Do any of these sound familiar?

Hmmmm

I don’t know how many times

I’ve felt the desire to move

Towards someone else's career

Because my current situation

Felt sad and lonely by comparison.

So try it.

See what comes up.

See if it works for you.

The purpose here

Is simply to get curious,

Not about what your desire’s are,

But why they are.

Then get clear on

The underlying need

Beneath your desire.

Because rather than a job,

Rather than your friends life or career,

It’s this need that is worth investing time in.

Because when you feel envious,

It’s a lovely reminder

That perhaps there is a need

That is not being met.

And once you’ve completed this exercise

Take another 5 minutes.

Jot down the answers to this:

What work am I most inspired by?

And

If I could give “X” to the world, it would all make sense.

Fill in the blanks.

Reengage with what sets you on fire.

Come back to what gives you energy.

Author and philosopher

Alain De Botton

Describes

Pain

Anxiety

Outrage

Envy

“As the forces designed to

Generate the energy required

To spur us into action.

But reiterates that

These jolts have no purpose if we cannot

Subsequently effect improvement.

So, we must discern

Where we are free to mould reality

According to our wishes,

Or accept the unalterable with tranquility”

In layman’s terms:

You can use the feelings

To fuel your next action,

By focusing on what you can control,

And accepting what you cannot.

***

So.

To summarise.

If you find yourself feeling envious

And beating yourself up thinking:

“I shouldn’t feel envious of other’s success”.

Remember;

You’re not alone.

And that your body is doing

A stellar job of looking out for you.

Trying to protect you.

Wanting to keep you safe.

Wanting you to survive.

It’s the part of you

That wants you to feel loved.

To feel seen.

Secure.

And that’s beautiful.

Understand…

The part that screams

“We’re falling behind”!

“We’re not doing enough”!

“We’re not good enough”!

“We aren’t where we’re meant to be”!

It’s just… trying to help.

Wanting you to succeed.

But sometimes…

The feelings are overwhelming

And the information is unclear.

So what we really need

Is to slow down

And listen.

Really listen.

Get clear about what is actually going on.

The information is there

It’s just up to us to decode it.

We know the obvious:

Our perception of other’s “success”,

Not only doesn’t equate to our failure,

It’s often not the full picture

Of what is really going on.

Recognise that:

That person is suffering,

Just like you.

They have hopes and dreams

Just like you.

And when you feel yourself straying off course

Great.

Take some time out.

Look after yourself.

And when you’re ready;

Reengage with your vision.

Reengage with your values.

Reevaluate your top priorities.

Get curious:

What is your body trying to protect you from?

What need is not being met?

What value is under threat?

How do you want to be spending your time?

What do you actually want to be doing?

And slowly, slowly,

Bring yourself back

Towards the systems and habits

That allow you to move

In that direction.

Lastly,

And perhaps most importantly,

Remember:

Envy is just a feeling.

Not “Good”, “Bad”, “Right” or “Wrong”.

It’s purely information.

Asking you to listen.

And who knows,

Maybe it’s just the signal you need,

The one you’ve been waiting for

Telling you to course correct.

Have fun out there.

D x